Complications
by Xeriana
Summary: The threat in Amaranthine has finally ended. Elissa thought she would return to her normal life in the palace as Alistair's queen, but nothing is ever normal for our dear Warden. Complications arise, and not always in you right mind.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N:**

**Keep in mind that this is after Awakening, and that both Cousland and the Howe has barely talked to each other during this threat, so there is still a lot of unresolved hate between them. This was written in the spur of a moment thing, after watching a certain Buffy episode where I got inspired from. ****Kudos to the one that figures it out! ****Feedback is always appreciated. Would love to hear your thoughts.**

Enjoy!

Elissa was walking fast through the chilly corridors of the keep, unbuckling the armor she got from the depths of Kal'Hirol. She was leaving tomorrow to head back to Denerim, and still hadn't packed. The threat in the Arling had been stopped merely a week ago, and her dear husband was missing having her by his side. She didn't know how she felt about it. Being in court was reminding her about Highever._ Yes_, she needed to put that behind her, and _yes,_ being the queen had those boring but necessary things. Seeing Alistair after almost a year's absence made her not feel so giddy like it should. All the rumors about mistresses, not seeing him or getting any kind of letters during the time she fought against the Mother and the architect was taking its toll. They had been so newly in love, and it was a rushed decision that none of them thought through. Despite avoiding the obvious, Elissa thought it was quite clear that her feelings for Alistair was a strong crush or infatuation which was nothing wrong and probably normal during the time they were together. All that burden about being the only wardens left, finding comfort and solace in one another. And if the rumors were true about Alistair having a mistress, it should prove it was the same for him.

She walked headfirst into a body that seemed to be appearing out of nowhere.

"Watch were you going, Nathaniel." She said grumpily, while she unsuccessfully tried to walk around him to be on her way.

"Well, aren't you rude? Aren't you supposed to be kind and gentle and all that, or does that not apply for me?" He smirked unpleasantly at Elissa, his grey eyes sparking with malice.

Elissa gave an annoyed sigh when she met those cold marble eyes, "It doesn't apply for people when they are being completely idiotic and insisting on dwelling on past grudges then actually doing something about it."

Nathaniel's smirk disappeared and there was a flash of anger in his eyes, "better to be idiotic then being incurably naive." He hissed.

"I'm naive? Yes, I'm so sorry that I actually tried '_the past is the past, forgive and forget_' with you. It clearly didn't work."

"Watch your tongue, girl." Nathaniel voice had a very dangerous tone, and Elissa hit his sore spot.

"Let it go already Nathaniel..." She said harshly to him, and when she would walk past him once more, she added, "I did." And that was all it took.

He grabbed her wrist and flung her against the wall, and the unbuckled part of her armor, which were the shoulder pads, scrambled loudly against the ground. Elissa almost thought fume would spring out from his nostrils.

She hit his jaw with an armored fist. Nathaniel grunted and when she tried reaching for her sword, he was faster with his damned rogue reflexes and grabbed both her wrists with his and placed them over her head. She struggled against him, but he leaned over her with all his body weight, making it quite impossible for her.

"Not afraid of me are you?" He sneered.

Elissa stopped her struggling for a second, giving Nathaniel a bored look, "get over with whatever it's you are doing. I don't have time for this."

"Oh, but I think you got a bit more time." She narrowed her eyes at his words and jerked up her knee in an attempt to hit him in his precious area, but he shifted his leg just in time to prevent it. The look he gave her was venomous.

He cursed, and let go of her wrists and left. Elissa's heart as pounding hard and with a mocking tone, she called after him, "what, that was it? And here i thought I might get a good fight going." That made Nathaniel stop dead in his tracks, and turn his head, "If you call that a fight, I think you see things very differently then a normal person does."

"And you define yourself as normal then?" Elissa laughed, clearly thinking this to be a great joke.

Nathaniel sneered, "I hate you."

"Well, at least we got that in common." She smiled bitterly at him.

"Yes, poor little Cousland girl that everyone loves. Poor little girl that is the queen over this entire nation."

"Shut it." Elissa growled and walked past him with success this time. Nathaniel was apparently not done with his ranting as he continued, "you know what I think? That you are an insufferable little girl."

"Oh, why is that?" She asked cheekily as they kept walking to her quarters.

He took her wrist again and turned her around, and after a moments pause, "because everyone thinks you are such a lovely person when deep down you are so cold. You have a lot of darkness that you only show when you are with me."

"What can I say? You bring out the most lovely abilities that I have." She said with sarcasm, and snatched her arm back. Elissa banged the door opened to her room and Nathaniel hovered the entrance while she walked in.

"Mind leaving now?" She asked with an annoyed sigh.

"No." He responded just as cheekily she was just a moment ago and closed the door behind him.

Despite her strut earlier on, Elissa was getting nervous. Being locked up in a room with Nathaniel would prove to be bad, and there was so much hate between the two of them, nothing but complications would arise.

He laughed, apparently noting her unease.

"What, Cousland? Don't tell me you are actually afraid of me being here." He said with his arrogant tone, while slowly walking towards her, savoring the advantage he had over her.

Elissa drew her sword and pointed it towards him.

"I'm not afraid of you. There is nothing to be afraid of." She grinned, resulting Nathaniel to draw out his dagger and making a very quick sudden move, confusing her and went for her arm where she held the sword. With a quick twist from his dagger and hand, he twirled it out of her grip and pushed her off balance. Elissa cursed at her disadvantage, blaming her half buckled armor for slowing her down. Her sword was now on the ground along with Nathaniel's dagger. He had taken her means of defense. Being the Commander or the queen did not apply for this man in any way. He saw her as nothing but dirt that needed to be washed away.

But she wouldn't back down because that was not her way of dealing with problems when they came straight on. She refused giving him the satisfaction of believing she had indeed gotten scared and would plea for him to leave. Instead she walked closer to Nathaniel, almost that their bodies were touching, and looked up in his emotionless face, but you could see in his eyes that he was taken by surprise when she came up so close. "So go ahead then. Do your worst." She said calmly and firm.

Nathaniel stood there silently and Elissa could feel anger swelling in her core. Everything that was loaded up between the two of them was finally hitting the surface. Being alone with Nathaniel in a room was like putting two starved marabis in a cage with one raw stake.

Elissa couldn't help it and hits him in the face where a bruise had already started to form from her other punch earlier on. Nathaniel smirked and rubbed his cheek, and looked at her with anger and hate.

"Do it." She hissed at him. And he did. A fist collided with her abdomen, the armor only attributing to pain when hanging loosely.

In annoyance, Elissa pulled it quickly off her only leaving her hands and feet with armor, and the rest was covered by a tunic and pants.

Nathaniel seemed very confused by her decision on the point but didn't have time to think really when Elissa hit him on his chest with her elbow. After his gasps for air he grabbed her shoulders and switched the positions and slammed her forcefully into the wall.

"You don't even do your best, Cousland. Feeling a bit tense?" He smirked as the bodies slightly brushed.

"Who isn't tense whenever you are around them?" She bit out, feeling off her game. She wanted to sound as insulting as possible to make him leave and hate her in peace. This was not how it was supposed to go.

"You should be more careful with what you are saying." He muttered. Elissa pushed against Nathaniel with no avail, only causing their bodies to interact. That was when she noticed that he was in nothing more but a tunic and breeches. She wondered for a second how he could have a dagger then, but that was forgotten when Nathaniel grabbed her wrists and almost threw her against her desk that was placed in the other corner of the room. He flung her on the desk and forced her backwards onto it, and kept her wrists above her head in a hard grip. She frowned at Nathaniel, and struggled against him, but barely had any strength in their current position and he changed his shifting to keep to her legs still with his. his body pressing into hers.

Now was the time to panic. Her heart was pounding hard and fast and she was feeling a fluttering in her stomach that she attributed to nervousness. She had beaten an archdemon but could not take on this man? What gives?

"Stop moving." He said rather breathlessly.

"What do you want?" She asked and kept pushing.

"Wha- I don't want anything. Stop this!" He said. She didn't believe him from the way he said it.

It was very much out of character for him to assure her of anything. It was more likely he would assure her to walk over a bridge over a volcano could be completely safe. He was panting heavily, the light from the fireplace was giving a gentler look to his features. She opened her mouth to ask if he would let her go, but something prevented it. She closed her mouth again and submitted herself to watching him.

His eyes were closed and he seemed to be forcing his breath down. It was odd, she hadn't put up _that_ hard a fight, that she knew. She fought rather poorly and slow.

When his eyes flew open, he was regarding her for the first time in a different way. His grey eyes sparkled but not with hate this time. There was something else in it that had her heart pounding again, this time for no apparent reason, and she felt heat creeping up her throat.

She didn't like this new turn of events, and pushed against him, trying to shove him off her, using only her body. Her arms were shaking from the shock of even being in a position like this.

Nathaniel shuddered and grabbed her wrists even firmer. Not that she could feel it because of her gloves. Although, she could clearly feel his body against hers, tense and forbidding. His heart was beating fast, and his breath was shallow.

He seemed to be debating something with himself, and she wasn't waiting for what that could be so she pushed up, resulting in a sharp intake of breath and a groan from him as her belly connected with his.

Elissa stiffened, unsure what to do. There was no mistaking that he was aroused. He had a look of bewildered need, and didn't know what to do with it. She was taken aback just as he, and didn't fool herself that he hadn't noticed her reaction.

She gulped, feeling awkward in this new situation, but wouldn't cave, "Let go. This game ends now."

He leaned down towards her and in a voice that was hoarse from his struggle, he sneered, "I hate you!"

Elissa opened her mouth to respond but couldn't as his lips captured hers. It was strange how she was usually so well prepared for attacks but felt like such a child when she couldn't figure out or what to do in a situation like this. The jolt that went through her the second she met his lips was making her whimper. She was in shock, and surprised but it felt right to kiss him. His hand had let go of her wrists but after his so called attack, but she no longer felt the need to get up. She was rather enjoying the feel of him on her lips, the more gentle Nathaniel, not the one that was angry all the time. He probably still was, maybe even more for wanting her now. But it peaked to something else, turning both their hate into something enjoyable.

One of his hands were going to her side and the other one cradled her head and pulling her into a more forceful kiss. That she was returning the kiss with such fervor was surprising both of them, making Nathaniel groan against her. She caressed his chest through his tunic and felt his heartbeat against the palm of her hand, and wanted more. He pulled up her tunic, but there was a lot of obstacles in the way. Her pants, gloves and boots. Nathaniel took her hand, pulling her up, so they were standing again without breaking their kiss. With a lot of clumsiness on both sides they got of all their clothes.

For a moment, Elisa could just find herself staring at the man before her. His scarred chest, and her eyes kept traveling downwards. She felt her attraction for him heat up even more when the evidence of him wanting her met her eyes. She still couldn't figure out this sudden change of both their behavior, but her brain didn't care to attribute to it for the moment, but urged her on to explore it further. Nathaniel was looking at her, with a look that dared her to mock him, to make him go away when both of them being so exposed and vulnerable. She wouldn't, normally maybe, but somehow she couldn't now. Elissa's hands travelled to his back, adjusting the feel of his body and hers together. They were moving to the bed and Nathaniel hit the side of it and fell with her on top of him in the soft material. He wanted to be inside her, and, right now, she wanted to feel him inside of her. The evidence of it was pressing hard against her already heated core. _Sweet madness_, she thought.

He turned both of them, and hoisted himself on his arms and looked hungrily at her breasts, before bending down to caress one of them with his lips and tongue, while gently fondling and pinching the other with one of his hands. They weren't the largest breasts, but they seemed to be met with his approval. She felt feverish and restless and she longed to feel him.

He stopped when his shaft was at her entrance, probably surprised about how ready she was for him, and both of them weren't the cuddliest of people, so he bit her shoulder before diving into her with a quick and firm thrust. She wasn't prepared for it, neither for the whirlwind of pleasure rushing through her.

She was thrashing against him, wanting release. His movements were rapidly turning harsher and quicker, and groaned with almost each thrust. Her hips was meeting his, giving him a deeper and sweeter angle to her core. She moaned against his neck, and her tongue was slowly caressing his neck up to his ear. That made him lose control even more, and growing more frantic. Her bliss came only minutes after that when his growing speed was making it to much for her to handle. She cried out, her nails digging so deep in his skin. With one final thrust, he surged into her, feeling him pulsating in her. He collapsed on top of her, his heart beating at an almost inhuman speed, she caressed him gently on his back with her fingertips.

They were both lying there, trembling for several minutes. Then like a rude poke in her ribs, she just realized what happened. How? Why? She just slept with a man she hated. How could she let this happen? She needed him to leave, she didn't want to feel his warm and sweaty body against her any more. She put the palms of her hands against him, pushing him off her. He obliged with no complications and got of her to sit on the edge of the bed. He put his face in his hands and after a few breaths, he stood up to put on his clothes. Elissa was feeling just as uncomfortably you could get in a situation like this.

She still couldn't understand how both of them could do this, and she never felt so stupid in her entire life.

She ventured to look at Nathaniel who was now fully dressed. With trembling legs, she proceeded to do the same, but the minute she stood up, she could feel warm fluid of their combined pleasure running down her thigh. She hurriedly reached for her tunic and put it on, pressing her legs together trying to make the fluid disappear. But of course, it only got sticker and she wouldn't be able to rub of the evidence.

He turned to leave, and she hurried to him, grabbing his arm, "nobody hears about this. No one. I don't know why or how this happened, but no one will know that we slept together!" She whispered furiously. He only smirked at her, "Yes, wouldn't want to ruin your reputation, would we? That she went for a Howe because her needs couldn't be satisfied somewhere else."

_Slap!_ Her hands were shaking, and Nathaniel's already bruised cheek was growing with an angry red mark on it.

"You have me in your system now, precious. Next time I will make you beg for it." He said with overly confidant voice, making her want to hit him until he turned into a bloody pulp.

"There won't be a next time." She muttered as he closed the door behind him, leaving her alone in the room, with guilt, relief and hurt building up in her core that she just couldn't rub off.


	2. Chapter 2

Elissa woke up the next morning with a huge headache. Last night hadn't exactly been calm. She spent most of her time thinking what had happened and how she could let it occur, when she finally reached the conclusion it was a one time thing, and since she would go back to Denerim, it wouldn't happen again. Nathaniel would stay at the Vigil as second in command to Captain Garevel. It had been a mistake, and everyone can make them, including her.

After a bath, and a lot of scrubbing in certain areas, she got dressed in the dress Alistair's maid had sent her. Appearances and all that. Apparently she could not just wear her armor when she would resume her role by his side. She scoffed as she looked at her reflection in the mirror. Her hazel, curly hair was a mess, and it took every ounce of her self control to not grab her sword and just cut it all off. When she put on her dress, and got help with packing her things, she was ready to go. She decided to put her hair in a tight bun, at least her dress would cover the bite mark on her shoulder she got from last night. Her green eyes scanned herself. The silken white dress, and her face. She had dark circles under her eyes from the lack of sleep. She grabbed her fur cloak, and with an annoyed sigh she headed out to the courtyard. While everything got packed in her carriage, she couldn't help but notice a pair of eyes staring at her.

Nathaniel was standing in the training ring with some of the soldiers and wardens. He seemed pretty busy in a conversation with Anders, but his eyes darted to her from time to time, and when she met his, a little smirk was placed on his lips, sending her chills all over her spine. All the people she met in the Arling was gathered there.

Elissa didn't look forward to the last part that was required of her before she left, having to say goodbyes. She walked over to the ring, and cleared her throat, gaining her former companions attention.

"Ah, dear lady, so this is the end of our adventure?" Anders smiled at her. She couldn't help but to chuckle at him. The mage was a real good friend and could always make her laugh.

"Then let me say, it has been a real pleasure and thanks for all your help." Elissa grinned back, she helped him with his phylactery in Denerim, standing up for him when the templars would have ripped him to shreds.

"Its never the end of our adventure as Wardens. What are you planning to do now?" She asked.

"I would have liked to come with you, but I suppose I need to explore. See the world a little now when I actually have the chance."

"That does sound good. I wish you well on your travels."

"And of course if you would like to join me, it would be less chilly by the lonely fire and probably much more enjoyable." He winked at her.

"Tempting, but no, I need to return to my chains as you nicely put it." Elissa laughed at him. She hugged Anders, "I'm going to miss you, friend. I wish we will meet again."

"Ah, that tickled my cute bone. Of course, we will. I am a Warden now, so I would need to return here or wherever you will be once I'm done." He whispered softly against her cheek, before he placed a haste kiss on her jawline.

"You already forgot you friend, Oghren have you?" A drunk voice said to her right,

"Now, how can I forget you? You are Oghren the magnificent are you not?" Elissa asked, directing her attention to the dwarf.

"Damn right I am, girlie."

"Take care of yourself, Felsi and your child."

"You can bet all the nugs in Orzammar that I will!" He said proudly.

She said her farewells to the rest that she didn't know very well. Sigrun, Justice and Veranna. Justice would stay and train new recruits that would arrive along with Sigrun and Oghren. Oghren had gotten something special as a gift from Elissa. Letting his family move in with him at the keep. Even though he objected on it at first, he accepted it. Veranna would continue her search for her sister that they never found after the death of the architect. Elissa headed back to the carriage, ready to leave after a quick discussion with captain Garevel about how to keep in contact and such.

"You forgot someone to say goodbye to?" A voice said behind her. Bitter and dark. She closed her eyes and turned around to find Nathaniel leaning against the her wagon.

"What do you want a goodbye for? Feeling lonely when the only one that stands up to you leaves?"

"I will miss the challenge." He smirked and eyed her attire, making her pull her cloak around her front.

"Well, you are going have to settle to bicker with new recruits then, or perhaps Oghren." She sniffed.

"I bet though they won't have that sharp tongue of yours." His eyes locked on her lips for a second before meeting her eyes.

"Watch were your eyes wander, Nathaniel." Elissa clicked her tongue.

"It's nothing that I haven't seen before." His eyes were sparkling as her face turned to stone, and she snorted at him.

"Oh, please. Don't act like you are a prize for all women in Thedas." She said irritably.

"Well, it was enough for you last night." He whispered so she could barely hear it. Her cheeks flamed up, and it wasn't here of all places where she wanted to have this conversation. People could hear them, and what if someone did? She dreaded what would happen if it was revealed.

"Why did you do it?" The words just slipped out of her as she looked at his face for answers.

"Do what?" He asked all to innocent. She sighed in exasperation.

"Use your thick skull to think that one out." She said tiredly as she rubbed her forehead.

"Such language," he tsked.

"And as for you question. I don't know what happened, it just did. A weak moment that you and I both were engaged in," he scoffed.

"You know what Nathaniel? Just forget what happened."

"That would make it easier, wouldn't it?" He stepped closer to her. She couldn't move. They were behind the wagon, moving would resulting in more people seeing them talk.

"It _is _that easy," she said sternly.

He brushed his knuckles down her cheek and gripped her chin. Memories from last night filled her mind, and she tampered it down.

"Remember who I am. I'm married to the king," she hissed.

He sneered, "like that really mattered last night."

"It does now."

He had his trademark smirk plastered on his face, and let his hand drop away.

"I need to go, or they will wonder where I am off to." Elissa sighed, feeling regretful about having to return to Denerim.

He grabbed her hand before she turned to leave, "please Nathaniel." She whispered with plea in her voice. The voice she promised herself not to use in his presence. She didn't know what brought it out of her, she was stronger then this.

"Just a little reminder." He muttered before he brought his lips to hers, and she didn't stop him either this time. It was a quick kiss only to linger as a painful memory. She could feel his saliva on her lips as he pulled away and resisted to lick them clean right away.

"Maker, I hate you." She said through gritted teeth. She hated him for allowing him to do these things to her when she couldn't put an answer to it. Hated how he had such an impact on her. before it was with his grudges against her and now with his..._body_. She was not a horny woman that got lost in the heat of the moment, but he succeeded with that too.

"I know," he grinned mischievously and kissed her cheek, before walking away.

She gave him a hard look and stepped in her carriage that would take her away from the Vigil, away from the arling, away from _him_.


	3. Chapter 3

It was a very sunny day, probably one of the few they will have until autumn start. It took them barely two days to reach the gates of Denerim. She groaned internally while her maid was fixing her up in the carriage. She did look like a noble again when she got the mirror placed in front of her. Thank the Maker she was no the Empress of Orlais with all the jewels, hairdos, dresses and crowns. But this, when she looked at herslef, was not her anymore, she was a fighter. Not a ghost of her past, no matter how much you try to cover it up.

When the wagon stopped her maiden said to her, "Your highness, your king is waiting for you." With a small smile on her lips, Elissa stepped outside the carriage.

She saw Alistair standing in the middle with the royal guard surrounding him, on his steed. He had not changed a bit since the last time she saw him. Elissa put on a genuine smile of happiness of seeing Alistair again. He was her friend for a long time, and she cared for him. _Apparently not enough, since you shagged someone you claim to hate some nights ago_, a rather nagging mind told her. Just the bare thought made her cheeks blush as she walked slowly to meet a very happy husband.

Alistair jumped down his horse and enveloped her in a firm hug, "Maker, I missed you." He breathed against her neck. Elissa was very grateful for not making it official about her return. This small get together was much easier to handle then a big crowd of people.

"I missed you to." She whispered back, feeling suffocated by the man hugging her. He pulled away and caressed her face tenderly with his fingers.

It didn't take them long to get back to the palace, especially not after Alistair insisted on having her on his horse with him did draw the extra attention that she did not want. People in the city noted them obviously and gave their humblest greetings. She was not used to that either. She was treated with respect, but being called queen again chilled her bones in a way she couldn't describe.

It was impossible not to think about him, being held by another as they rode up to the palace. She couldn't help fighting her own unwillingness to delve into this topic, she tried searching her own motives. It wasn't that he had been irresistible. It had just been so…_Powerful_. It had been too powerful for her not to explore. It hadn't been very wise of her, no, but wishing she hadn't done it didn't make it so. At least it wouldn't happen again, and she should be happy about not seeing him. But guilt was a really annoying feeling to have. She wondered if she should ever tell Alistair what happened, but that made her stomach make a few uncomfortable flip flops. She also did wonder about the laws of being unfaithful to king existed. If it did, it probably wasn't pleasant. Though she a very honest person, but this was something she just couldn't share. Consequences would be to big and severe.

She didn't even realize how much time flew by her thinking as she was in her room once again. It had barely changed. She and Alistair had a shared bedroom, but he wanted her to have her own. Her bed was in the middle of the room, against the wall. New sheets and covers, draped in a deep red color. Her desk with a huge mirror next to it was placed in the other side, and had the window above it. Her wardrobe was in the corner with her old armor pieces and such and next to it was another that was holding her more...normal clothes.

Her door was opened and Alistair walked in, with a huge smile on his lips. He hugged her from behind and kissed her neck.

"Elissa." He murmured as his hands traveled to her sides. She squirmed out of his grip and turned to look at him. Well, he missed her, that she got. But she couldn't have anything happen, especially with a bite mark was clearly visible if he would remove her clothing just a little.

"I'm sorry, I'm just very tired." She murmured as an apology. He seemed disappointed about not touching her, but didn't push it.

"I understand, dear wife." He chuckled, and led her to the bed to sit down and talk.

"You need to tell me everything about what happened, but before that I need to say I missed you dearly, and that a carnival will be placed in your honor for what you did in Amaranthine. It will be spectacular with all the Wardens, nobles and the habitants of Ferelden."

Elissa eyes got wide and the only question that flew through her mind was, "when?"

"In a few weeks. It will be at the Vigil, seeing it will be repaired and also to have the nobles moving their fat arses." She chuckled at that, "it sounds good, Alistair."

"I thought you would be much more reluctant. I know you don't like big parties." He said while placing a soft kiss on her cheek, making her shudder.

"I can't escape them so its better the more I don't fight it."_ A carnival at the Vigil? Now, wasn't that just to bloody perfect_...

Weeks flew by faster then she expected. It didn't take long for Elissa to fall back into her old routines at the palace. There was never that much required of her. She was the brain behind the curtain so to speak, and at court she sat there usually in silence. The only difference was that she was to afraid to let Alistair touch her. There were many factors to this. Fear, guilt and shame. Fear, that he might notice something even though it's almost impossible, but it didn't stop her mind for still thinking in these lines. Guilt for what she did and couldn't with good conscience let him touch her until she recovered from her and Nathaniel's night – which she had no idea how long that would take. She actually thought she wouldn't think about it so much, but Maker was she wrong. And shame for being with another man then her husband, that she now doubted had even been with another woman judging by the way he treated her with such love, which only increased all the feelings to her factors. She didn't sleep with him, and hadn't since her return, probably leaving him confused. Poor Alistair, he didn't deserve this. He was patient with her, but there was only so much a man could take, that she knew.

And the day after tomorrow she would head back to the Vigil with Alistair this time. It was night time, and all Elissa has been doing after dinner was being cooped up in her room, having a leather armor on, and was training with her sword and shield. She was already becoming rusty and she would not have that.

_One, two._ Block and thrust. _Three and four_. Swing and slide. She got interrupted by a knock at her door and Alistair stepped inside. She pushed away her bangs and put down her practice weapon.

He smiled at her when he noticed what she had been doing, "That bored?"

"I still need to train." She smiled.

"Elissa, I just wondered, is something wrong?" She stiffened at his question.

"Why do you ask?" She asked in all to high voice. She couldn't break, not now.

"Well, you have been quite distant since you came back. You don't let me touch you in any way, you barely want to be in my company. Where is the girl that I fell in love with?" He asked quietly while looking down at her desk, playing with her quill. He didn't ridicule or seem cheery. She had never seen him this open without protecting himself with a silly joke.

What could she say? _Oh, dear husband. Yes, I had sex with the son of the man that murdered my family, and I did it the day before I came back to you. Do you forgive me? _

"I'm still me...I'm still that girl." She whispered. She felt him taking her hands and placing them on his chest, while his other gently grasped her chin, tilting her head up and interlocking her gaze with his. She wondered if he really saw her like a fragile flower that would wither the moment you let go.

"I know, I know." He said, putting his forehead against hers. "I only wish your happiness, and for that to happen you need to talk to me."

"Alistair please. I only need time." She said, lamenting that she could not enjoy his touch like before. He was no stranger, nor would he ever hurt her, and she was acting like this.

Alistair sighed at this. "You know, I always considered myself as very patient. I longed for you all this time you were gone while you seem content when I am not around you. And there is another matter..." He paused looking at her intensely as he continued, "Eamon is still pushing me to produce heirs. I told him the situation about us. You know, that it is almost impossible due to the taint. Well, he contacted a witch or something very similar about herbs and to increase our fertility." Elissa didn't like where this was going. She didn't have any plans of having children, she already thought it impossible. Only to have her hopes ignited on this point was cruel.

Alistair's cheeks were aflame, and his hand brushed through his hair, "Well you know I told him to shove it, but he wouldn't have it. The Therein line must be preserved and such."

"So because Eamon is obsessed with you having heirs only because of the blood, you want to push us so I will become pregnant?" She deadpanned.

His ears were the next to go red, "I told him it was stupid, and that I would rather chew on broken glass then pushing you into this, but people are talking, Elissa. And I would love to have children one day – not for the blood more because I genuinely like children. And having them with you would be a dream come true."

"Don't you remember what you said after the Landsmeet?" He murmured, while his hands took hold of her waist, pulling her closer. "When I told you about the impossibility and you said that it wouldn't be the lack of trying, and that we would keep trying."

"I remember that very well." She chuckled. Alistair kissed her without warning, placing his soft lips upon hers, and all Elissa could see was Nathaniel. Damn that man. Was it so strange that he popped in her mind, when he had been the only person to touch her when she had felt caged in celibacy for over a year. She guessed not, but hated that he managed to find his way to bug her in her head. She was about to pull away, but Alistair's grip intensified and his tongue was seeking in her mouth. She gasped out of the surprise of his determination and that was when his tongue found his way in. She felt suffocated, and crammed. Sweat was building up on her forehead and palms out of nervousness. She pushed against him and their lips parted, and nausea was building up in her abdomen.

Neither spoke, and Alistair was just looking at her. "Elissa, what has happened to you?" Alistair spoke after a few minutes.

"I don't know." She said honestly. She had to stop it now. She just needed time, right?

"Maker, do know I try," was Alistair's last words before he walked out.

Elissa's fists tightened so badly, she was sure they would go numb. A number of emotions torrent through her, and the strongest of them was hate. Relying on that feeling she lashed out on her chair, throwing it down. _One shag is not supposed to do this, _she screamed in her head.

When Elissa and Alistair traveled to the Vigil it was uncomfortable and awkward. Alistair tried speaking, but her distant reduced both of them to silence. She wondered how it would be at the Vigil, how Alistair had planned the carnival, what games and who were coming. She knew one person that would be there and it was the person she least wanted to meet.

They got settled in their new quarters, which made Elissa a bit more uncomfortable. She thought she would have her old room back, but then she got reminded of that she was with king. It looked like they were in Howe's old bedroom with a change of furniture. It almost made Elissa vomit, being here where he might have been planning everything against her and her parents.

Apparently the festivities would start tomorrow. Alistair had gone to talk with Garevel about it among other things and Elissa spent her evening walking around in the newly done gardens in the Vigil. It was getting colder and spent a few seconds cursing herself for not wearing a cloak around her. She had not seen Nathaniel and she thanked the Maker for that. Although knowing her luck...

"So soon back?" A voice said behind her. She turned and found herself facing Nathaniel wearing similar to what she was. Nothing remotely warm. He must also have left his head somewhere else when he came here. How could he know that she would be here in the gardens. He must have seen her confused look,

"I have been watching you since you returned, to see if I could get you away."

"And why would you want that?" She asked, feeling everything but happy to see him again. She wasn't prepared for it. She had gathered that energy for the day after.

"Because I want you." He murmured as he got closer.

"You hate me." She stated as she moved backwards.

"Yes, but it doesn't keep me from wanting you." He responded smirking at her hard glare at him.

"And why else would you walk around, alone and from everybody's eyes if you didn't wish the same?" He asked when she moved to walk past him. He grabbed her wrist and pulled her close to him. Her heart fluttered when she felt his chest against hers again, but then his question entered her mind.

"Oh, stop it. You are not the only thing surrounding my life." She said aggressively, feeling that he was to overly confidant about their situation.

"So you admit that I am something surrounding it." He cocked his eyebrow at her, making her furious.

"No." She bit out, while she twirled herself out of his tight grip.

He only smirked and she rolled her eyes at him. She hurried like she had an army of darkspawn at her heel. She walked past greeting guards without daring to giving a glance if Nathaniel was still behind her. But given a new room had not set in Elissa's mind yet, and she couldn't find her way there so she determinedly walked back to her old one, and closed the door harshly behind her, and panted heavily as she scanned the dark room. Nothing was lit and only the moonlight shone in from the windows.

How dare he? She thought with anger. How dare he behave like that towards her? She slammed against the wall, regretting it just a minute later. She hissed in pain as a red mark was growing on her knuckles.

"You ought to learn self-control." A bitter voice said.

_That's it!_ She swung around to hit him, but he reacted faster and grabbed her wrist and turned her so quickly around and out her arm in a very painful lock making her immobilized. She bit her lip to not scream. As usual with Nathaniel, it was a battle between wills, which she did not want to lose.

"Will you behave if I let you go?" He angrily whispered in her ear.

"Oh, yes. I'll be kind as a flower!" She winced sarcastically.

Despite her sarcasm, he let go of her wrist and turned her around. Elissa was starting to feel like a doll by all his force.

Without hesitation or warning he bent down to kiss her before she would have time to react.

_How, wha-?_ Was the two words that spun in her mind before succumbing to the taste of him and the feel of his lips against hers. He pulled her closer and the contact made her body wake up with longing. Longing she didn't have with Alistair.

Her knees were growing week from the impact of the kiss, especially when he deepened it. She was hanging to his shoulders. Getting the hint, Nathaniel hoisted her against the wall, wrapping her legs around him as he placed his one hand on her thigh and the other was slowly caressing her hips to carefully slide up to her belly. She could feel his hardness rubbing against her softness and that was pure bliss. Her mind went to bliss and she forgot even why she shouldn't be doing this.

_I shouldn't..._

She turned her head away, trying to gather her thoughts. Nathaniel didn't seem disturbed by her move and continued to kiss on her neck and suck on a particular spot that made her mind go blank.

She frowned at him. Nathaniel seemed to sense her unease now and whispered against her neck, "Stop fighting this. Just feel."

_No, no, no._

She squirmed against, only to make both of their breath shorten and feel more aroused then before.

_Wrong move, Elissa! _A rude voice told her mind.

Nathaniel was content to keep kissing her neck and teasing her with his tongue, and without a warning his one hand slid up her thigh and inside her underclothes to slowly make slow movements everywhere but _there,_ and it was to cruel. He even managed to rip her undergarments off. He wanted her to beg for it, and that's when she woke up.

"Stop it." She hissed at him, "let me go." She already untangled her legs from him. His body was stiff and with a frown he pulled away.

As she settled her robe and was standing further away from him, she asked him dead on, "Why do you want to sleep with me? Why this sudden change?"

His lips tightened and he seemed at first unsure what to say, "I can ask you the same thing."

"Well I am not the one wandering around trying to seek a alone moment with you for just this purpose." She was about to jab him when he said;

"True." He muttered and after a moment's pause.

"You didn't answer my question!" Her tone pitched a higher octave.

He shrugged his shoulders like this was an everyday conversation to have, "I don't know."

"Like you didn't think about this," she snorted at him. After a few seconds she sighed and said in a strained voice;

"This ends now. I don't want you near me."

Now it was Nathaniel's turn to snort, "You want this as much as I do."

Elissa's cheeks flamed up and she straightened herself. She knew this was true, somewhere deep inside of her, but it didn't mean she had to cave in. He was Nathaniel Howe. The man that hated her, that wanted to kill her, and he was an arrogant prat on top of it all. Surely if she remembered this, she would resist more to his advances.

"I'm going now." She stated.

"Princess," He muttered when she was at the door. She turned quickly, "You might want these," He smirked, holding her ruined underclothes. She snatched them back, her cheeks aflame and tried finding her way to the new bedroom, after getting a new pair of garments to put on of course.


	4. Chapter 4

Nathaniel was frustrated. Maybe that is an understatement. The only good thing that would come out of the big feast that the king had planned in the queen's honor for defending Amaranthine, was the sparring game he had planned. He stood in the shadows, stalking hers. His eyes boring holes into Elissa's neck, but if she seemed absent of it, or ignoring him, he couldn't tell. He was respecting her wishes though. He would not come near her, it would be best to let her come to him in surrender...or for as long he could control himself that is. The sparring competition that was set up in the old training ring would take his mind of this, since that minx denied him the most satisfying relief a man can get.

Nathaniel didn't know why he wanted her so badly, but after just feeling her soft body against his, he did. He had never even seen her without her armor until that night, and somewhere in his mind, he pictured her to be ugly; that's what he wanted, but instead a beauty dwelled beneath that armor. He wasn't prepared for that, nor what his body clearly demanded of him.

She was married, and to the king. It was a dangerous play, wanting the wife of the most powerful man in Ferelden. And it _still_ didn't stop him from wanting her in his arms, having her flushed beneath him and moan his name. He had been without a woman for too long, that he knew and that it happened to be her was...unfortunate but he did not regret it.

When she left to Denerim, he had his luck with a servant, but he had been to rough, and to passionate in his kisses for her to handle, so instead of her getting wild, she got scared. He got disgusted and had her thrown out. Maybe that was why. Elissa was not afraid of him, not one bit. And she was just as raw in nature just as him. After their first night, he even got marks on his back from her nails to prove it. He thought about this a lot, as he spent these lonely weeks in the keep, doing nothing really productive. Thinking about how repulsed and disgusted he _should_ have gotten by his actions. She was a Cousland. She was the one that killed his father. But that reasoning turned into vain. Nathaniel knew all the facts, even told so by his sister to enhance it, but he could never truly accept it. Also admitting that what she did was right, would mean that she won their private battle, and he couldn't allow that for the sake of his father, even after all the harsh experience he put him through. Even in his father's death, he was determined to remain loyal which meant he could never forgive her or justify what she did to his father – no matter why, because he refused to see her point of view.

Nathaniel was extremely stubborn, and so was she. Damn that woman to resist his advances. It should have been easy but her conscience won over her, and he still was left with aching for wanting her even more now then before. She wanted him, that was clear, she was just being hypocritical about it. He wondered if any other woman could turn him into a pathetic _boy_, but that was a clear no. He had been with women and no one had thrilled him like she did. It was a ventures trip he went on with her, and he might like the danger in all of it, but it couldn't be all that? And it was not about vengeance, or he would not desire her that much. He knew this was dangerous. She intoxicated him. A nagging thought wondered if she still slept with the king after their encounter. A trumpet's sound made him aware that the sparring game would begin, and he went to the armor tent to change.

The competition however ended as quickly as it started in his opinion and didn't leave him at all satisfied or relived. Instead the aching seemed to increase with every battle he won. She was there, sitting by the king's side, watching his moves. When he won, she had with an impassive face given him the winning price of the game which was a golden feather, as she was the one they held this carnival in the first place.

Day turned into night as it had its tendency of doing, and Nathaniel had changed into his pale green tunic and white breeches. As he was heading down the stairs from his quarters, he heard angry voices from the door, that he thought was the king's room.

"Are you insane?"

"Alistair, you need to understand the pressure from all this. It is very suspicious that she still hasn't managed to produce you an heir!"

"She has been away for over a year! I'm not pushing her into something that she does not want to!"

_Ah, this is interesting_. He had no idea who the other man was, but he could tell it was someone close to Alistair to be able to be so bold. He stood outside the door, not being able to move by his curiosity.

"Has she even tried the herbs or considered visiting the witch I recommended?"

"No." The king's voice almost came out as a whisper, making Nathaniel lean against the door more.

A pound was heard against, what he would guess against a desk.

"Damn it, Alistair! She is not making this any easier either. I know its already hard for you to actually conceive, but refusing anything to help it is preposterous!"

"Watch it, Eamon. This is my wife you are talking about." The king growled.

"The Therein Line must be persevered."

Then there was silence.

"She has not been herself. She needs time and I respect it. And I refuse to bed other women just because of my blood line. I will not have children of mine grow up as I did" Alistair sighed.

"What do you mean?"

"She hasn't let me take her to my bed" Nathaniel's eyebrow rose. That confirmed his thoughts about that part.

"If she refuses to-"

"I love her," The king cut in before Eamon had time to finish his line, "and she is my wife. If I am to have children it will be with her, and not with some other fertile woman so my blood can live on."

"Alistair-"

"This is final, Eamon. I'm sorry if you don't like the decision but it is not your choice."

"We need to get down to the feast, your Majesty." The other man finished, clearly thinking this conversation to be over.

He heard footsteps move against the door, and Nathaniel moved swiftly behind the corner, as the door opened, and he saw from his shadow the king walking down to the banquet with the elderly man following him.

Nathaniel remained as he was. Guilt was something he rarely felt, by what the king had just said, he could tell that he really loved Elissa. This conversation made him wake up to reality and out of his fantasy world. He is a grown up man and his obsession about bedding the queen needed to stop. He held no grudges against Alistair and the man deserved his queen to equally love him in return. He had not thought about these consequences when he had slept with her, but now it was slowly sinking in. He probably ruined it by taking her like he was hers that night. He would need another to sate his thirst, he thought bitterly as he walked slowly down to the feast.

Elissa was playing with her hands under the table, waiting for Alistair and Eamon to attend. She wondered what took them so long, and absently continued to numb her fingers by roughly pressing them together. Then after a few minutes she saw both Alistair and Eamon walking through the big hall door on the side. She rose up and confusingly watched Alistair. He seemed very sullen as he walked to her side by the big table, and Eamon sat at his other.

Trumpets were announcing that the king had arrived and everyone greeted the couple humbly, and soon enough everyone were attending to their food and conversations. Elissa worriedly rubbed Alistair on his arm, as he massaged his nose bridge.

"What's wrong?" She asked.

"Nothing you need to worry about." He said, giving her a small smile because she made a disapproving sound to his answer. Alistair leaned over to her, and kissed her on her temple, and mumbled, "really, don't worry."

When dinner was finished, the dance began. As always in the first dance, the king and queen began it. Alistair had improved a lot since the first time they danced together. He led her gracefully across the floor, and had perfect control over the situation.

"May I?" Another voice said from behind, as the first dance was finished. Alistair grip on her hand intensified, as they saw Eamon standing there.

"Of course." Elissa answered, sensing something was amiss here. Alistair let his hand drop from her as he returned to his seat, while Eamon held her firmly in his hands. The music was playing again, and after a few turns, he began speaking.

"I trust everything is well between you and the king?" He asked. There was harshness in his tone, and Elissa started to feel very uncomfortable. She felt like he knew something that he shouldn't and she hoped she was wrong, because of the only thing she could think of was Nathaniel.

"Of course." She said, wavering more then she wanted to.

"Good, good. You thinking of having children soon?"_ Maker, this man is bold._

"It is not something I have given much thought about." She said honestly.

"Sorry to say this my queen, but there is help for your problems but you need to act fast on it. Yes, you are both still young, but time passes faster then one might think." She was shaking in her legs by his words.

"Last time I checked, this wasn't any of your concern," she whispered angrily as he took her for a spin.

"Perhaps no, or perhaps so. I am the king's advisor and as such I need to speak my mind even though it is not pretty sometimes." He said. When Elissa tried to twirl free from his hands, he lowered his voice,

"I know your secret." He whispered very quietly, making Elissa insides freeze.

"What are you talking about?"

"Don't play games with me. I have eyes and ears everywhere. You and that Howe boy..." His sentence didn't finish because Elissa flinched so badly only making him smile.

"I have nothing to hide." She said sternly, cursing herself for jerking her hands before.

"My contact saw you two kissing behind your wagon when you would leave for Denerim. So you do and you know it. I would suggest that you stop your infatuation with the boy and consider on what is important."

"Bitterness has really changed you Eamon." Elissa said sadly. Eamon shook his head swiftly, bringing up the memories of his dead son that she had to kill to protect Redcliff. He responded bitterly;

"You betrayed your husband. The boy I raised, I love him more then you can know and I would do everything in my power to protect him."

"What do you want?" She bit out, realizing this was already a lost battle. He already had to much evidence by her reactions.

"What I want is you to let the king take you to his bed again and for you to visit the witch and taking the herbs, my queen."

"You can't request-" She started, her voice getting frantic.

"Do you wish me to tell Alistair then?" He asked simply.

"He would not believe you."

He laughed without any mirth, "I have proof, and I can loosen tongues, your Majesty, even the Howe's if I have to."

The music stopped, and Elissa went back to her seat. She would need to talk to Nathaniel and it was something she did not look forward to.

Elissa tried drinking and eating, but everything she put in her mouth tasted like ashes. She was nervous now. Eamon knew, he _knew_ their secret, how could they have been so, so, stupid?

A chill went through her spine, thinking about how she did not want to sleep with anyone at this point and just wanted to be left alone, but this was her fault. She twirled her way into this mess, and she needed to get out, and it seemed the only way to do that now was to act like the good wife. Now the nausea kicked in. Alistair wasn't disgusting or unkind, but she just couldn't act nothing had happened when they would sleep together. Telling the truth however was not possible. The nausea increased and her breathing shortened, and she wondered why on earth, she chose to wear this dress that pushed her ribs together. Nothing coherent entered her mind, and she tried standing up. Everything was spinning like a carousel with noises, and everything went black.


	5. Chapter 5

Nathaniel saw her collapse behind the table and frowned. He also saw the king, carrying his unconscious wife out of the banquet, and Eamon was the one announcing that the feast was over and that everything was fine. That made him frown even more. She did not look fine at all. In fact, she looked very pale as he saw her being carried. He wondered for a moment if he should follow as concern for his Commander, but decided against it. A few hours passed, and the keep was empty and had people cleaning up the mess left behind. Nathaniel was walking the grounds, gazing at the sky and wondered if she was well. It was quiet, to quiet and it was getting cold. Winter was coming for certain.

He had watched her during the evening, seeing her dance with the king and Eamon. Jealousy was never pretty, even though he had no right or even shouldn't feel that way. She was not his, and hadn't he just decided to not think about her? Why was that so hard? They had their one time thing, and suddenly he acts like fool. He couldn't help but notice how she seemed extremely uncomfortable by the elderly man. He noticed how he was talking to her, and he pondered what he said to make her so shaky. Barely anything made her crumble. So he couldn't help but worry.

"I never congratulated on your victory in the competition." Alistair had walked up next to him. The king looked immensely tired and had dark rings under his eyes.

"My king," Nathaniel started, but Alistair waved it away.

"Please, we are brothers, don't call me that."

Nathaniel was silent for a moment.

"How is she?" He asked carefully.

Alistair sighed, "They have healers up there for the moment, and shut the door to be able to concentrate. It must be more serious then I thought."  
Nathaniel nodded, "I never seen her that pale, and believe me, I have many times during the Blight. She woke up just a few seconds before we reached out quarters only to have her vomit."

Something inside Nathaniel twisted, and he could only nod once more.

"You were very impressive during the game." Alistair said, clearly wanting to switch the subject, and he didn't mind that either.

"I might need to call on you someday for those skills. Be ready for it." Nathaniel furrowed his brow, that was cryptic to say the least.

"So I hope Elissa hasn't been to hard on you?" He asked quickly, not letting him dwell on the previous sentence.

"What do you mean?" Nathaniel asked.

"Well, given your history, I was surprised getting the report stating that she made you a Grey Warden." He chuckled.

"But that's her I guess. Giving people second chances. You should have been with us during the Blight. She let an assassin join us, _after_ he tried killing us, mind you. I swear, I thought that she was going crazy at times." Alistair let out a soft sigh.

Curiosity was nagging at Nathaniel about her adventure during the Blight and the encounter with his father. He had always wondered but never asked.

"Did my father get a honorable death?" He asked before stopping himself.

Alistair turned so he stood face to face with him, "Do you even know what happened at Highever that night?" The king asked quietly.

"No." Nathaniel shifted his position.

"It took time for her to open herself up to anyone. After the fall at Ostagar, she was stuck with me and a witch. When she did, it was not pretty. She told me she woke up in the middle of the night, her dog was barking at the door. There was noise outside, and two guards bearing the Howe shield attacked her..." He trailed off and stared at the horizon.

Nathaniel stared down in the ground, "her mabari saved her, thank the Maker. Afterwards when she got dressed in the armor, she found that her brother's wife and child had been killed in the most disgusted way. She and her mother were running everywhere trying to find her father. Everything was aflame, and a turmoil. She found her father, dying and had to leave them behind because Duncan conscripted her." Alistair stood silent, "I remember this story very well because it was the first time she actually opened up to me."

"When she met Rendon Howe again in the estate, vengeance fueled her, not her conscience. She gave him an easy death. A sword through his throat and that was the first time I saw her breaking down. She sat there, sobbing over his body, about the people she lost thanks to him."

Nathaniel was shocked to his core. He never heard of this, or _heard_ this side of her. He thought of Elissa crying would be near impossible. His father had not described his taking of Highever in any way close to the version his king had just told him, and Elissa would have no reason lying to him. So was it all lies that Bryce was collaborating with Orlesians as well then? Did his father just slaughter innocent people to gain more power and title?

_NO! That can't be true!_

"So all my father said was a lie?" Nathaniel whispered.

Alistair sighed, "He was your father. I would understand if you denied the knowledge. I denied a very long time that I had this cursed blood in veins, and I'm not talking about the taint."

"I better get back. See if there has been any progress," Alistair mumbled after a short moment of silence.

"Thank you for the conversation. It has been...interesting." Nathaniel finished as the king walked inside the keep.

The queen had barely recovered in the days that passed, and no one seemed to know what was wrong with her. Rumors were spreading like a wildfire throughout the keep, and Nathaniel would bet it even spread to Denerim by now that she was pregnant by the way she had fallen ill. The thought made him laugh, because it was absurd. The healers would have found out if it was that, since they slept together almost a month ago. And since they hadn't, there was no worry that was the case...he hoped.

He tried keeping a close eye on her whenever possible. The healers had said it would be best if she didn't move so much because she was still feeling sick. There were suspicion about her being drugged at the feast, but if that was the case it had been a highly advanced one to go undetected by the healers. Alistair had to go back to Denerim for his duties as king, and Eamon followed. And she was only out for a few times, looking pale and didn't eat properly.

He found her one gloomy morning, sitting outside in the gardens, effectively shielded from any curious eyes. It was pure coincidence that he'd decided to brave the weather to walk off some of his recent odd restlessness. She hadn't noticed him coming as she looked very much in thought, and he sat down next to her on the bench. She jumped by the chock and clutched her chest.

"It's you." She mumbled to no one in particular. Her eyes were swollen and he wondered when it was the last time she actually slept.

"What an observation." He answered.

She closed her eyes, "I'm not in mood to play mind games with you Nathaniel..." She sounded very tired and he decided to keep quiet.

"So what happened at the banquet?" He asked, listening to her heavy breathing.

"I fainted." She simply stated.

"Do you know why?"

"Why all these questions?" She asked suspiciously. "It has nothing to do with you in the slightest." Her voice made him smirk. Always on the defensive.

"You do know there are rumors spreading that you are pregnant." He decided to go for the blow.

She laughed at this statement, "And you believe that?"

His lips twitched, and he was growing impatient. "Are you or not?"

"For heaven's sake, no I am not, Nathaniel." She said irritably.

"Then what is going on?"

"Nothing that concerns you." She stood up, and swayed at the spot. He stood as well, and tried steadying her with his hand, but she pushed it away.

"I'm fine really." She mumbled.

"Clearly you are not."

She closed her eyes and slowly exhaled. "Don't do this, Nathaniel," she whispered. "Just walk away."

He gritted his teeth. He would love to walk away, he really would. But he was finding that he couldn't when she was this...sulky. Even if it had nothing to do with him.

"I can't." Was the two words that came out from him.

She simply stared at him, like he had suddenly grown two heads.

"Since when do you even care about my well being?" She asked sarcastically.

"Since you decided to act like a child." He sarcastically smiled at her, making her tighten her lips. He didn't care, it would just look bad if she fainted again and if he just stood by letting it happen.

He took a few steps advancing in her direction, "stop it!" She snapped as she suddenly came to that he was getting closer.

If only she missed him, his touch and body, during some of these long nights. But, no. Why should she? Then again the not so brilliant thinking part of his brain thought that maybe she was lonely, like him. Maybe...All this damned thinking about this had to stop.

She suddenly stopped moving, and her eyes were fluttering, and Nathaniel saw them go white. He reacted on instinct, as she fell in his arms. He cursed himself, and really didn't know what to do. He lifted her limp body in his arms, and walked inside the keep, and just knowing his luck, nobody was out, it was too early in the morning. So he did the second best thing, and brought her to her room. He set her down in the bed and considered leaving to find someone that actually could help her.

But as the vixen she was, she mumbled, "don't get help please."

"Decided to wake up, have you?" He mumbled.

"Please don't. They don't know what's wrong. They think I'm drugged, so what are they going to do about it?"

"And what do you want me to do? Watch you throw your insides out?"

"That's such a nice way of putting it, you crude." She sighed, turning to her side, her eyes watching the ground. She blatantly refused to look at him in the eyes. He smirked.

"How can I put it delicately? Vomit, puke..." He would continue to rabble, if Elissa hadn't thrown the vase at him from her bedside.

"Not so very friendly." He grinned, ducking it just in time, only to hear it crack against the wall.

"Just be quiet. You are making me more sick." She groaned.

"You know, you were much simpler to be around when you were unconscious. Much more pleasant." She scoffed, and responded tiredly, "well sorry, that being nice to you is not on my top priority." And after that statement, she closed her eyes.

There was silence, and Nathaniel pondered if he should leave or stay. He looked at her. Her eyes were closed and he wondered if she dozed of into sleep. He couldn't resist the urge to pull away her bangs from her curly hair, and thought himself being very stupid doing so, because if she would wake up, she would probably slap him for coming close to her. Her hair was soft between his fingers, and resisting the urge to continue with his stroking would be a travesty. She mumbled something in her sleep, and he stopped for a second. His fingers seemed to move from her hair down to her face. His thumb was slowly tracing down her cheek to her lips, and he realized how much he missed kissing those lips. Anticipation was building up in his body, just watching her peacefully do these small incoherent noises. He frowned to himself, and pulled his hand away.

"I'm still awake, you know." She mumbled.

He cocked his eyebrow, he should have known. She didn't slap him or tell him to go away? That should be good, he guessed, or maybe she was just to tired.

"You little minx." He muttered right back, watching her opening her eyes to gaze into his.

She seemed to be debating herself to say something to him, he could see the doubt in her eyes, and her jaw clenching.

"He knows." She whispered then. That caught his attention from letting his eyes drift over the shape her dress covered her body.

"You have to be more clear then that."

She sat up, looking uncomfortable doing so, "Eamon...someone saw us."

"The king's advisor?" He remembered very well the conversation he heard him share with the king before the banquet.

She nodded, "he told me during the dance." So that was why she was clearly upset.

He sat there silent, and she was looking at him with great impatience, "You have nothing to say do you? That's something you usually excel at!"

"What do you want me to say? Denying it won't make it go away." Nathaniel muttered.

"And why did he tell you this? Why not go to the king immediately with these news?" He asked.

"Because now...he has power." Elissa sighed and clutched her belly with her hand.

"Power to do what?" He persisted, even though he knew what she would say.

"He wants me to get pregnant, Nathaniel. I think you can figure the rest out." She bit out.

Nathaniel tightened his lips, what the hell was he supposed to do? Nobody was supposed to see them. He had been reckless that morning, just´¨åun longing to feel her against him, and his basic instinct led him to kiss her.

"He will tell Alistair if I don't agree or if I can't manage to get pregnant, I would assume. So he can get another wife to do the job right."

Nathaniel stared at her, "What do you mean?"

"I have been sick, not dead. I have done some reading about the laws. The queen is not allowed to have an affair. If it comes to the open, the laws are pretty strict on queens being unfaithful to their kings. Meaning I would die for the crime of betraying the king."

"That's absurd. People are unfaithful all the time with their wives or husbands."

"Maker Nathaniel, I love your positive attitude about marriage." She said with sarcasm.

He shook his head, "that's not what I meant. Nobody has died for cheating on the other party."

"That's because they don't represent the country. They are not married to the king whose blood need to live on for a successor. I am that queen, Nathaniel."

"So you can die if Eamon tells this to the king?"

She nodded, "but he has no proof-" He started, but she waved it off, "doesn't matter. They will put me under interrogation with mages and believe me, I wouldn't be able to lie."

She looked crestfallen, "I don't know what to do. I can't get pregnant. It's almost impossible with one being a Grey Warden, just imagine the odds of having one if both are."

She seemed surprised with herself for opening up to him, but really, he was the only person she could talk to about this.

Nathaniel didn't know how to react to these news. Should he assure her, but why? He didn't like the pressure Eamon pushed on Elissa, but didn't know if it was out of selfishness or because he might care about her. No matter what contempt he held, he was a part of this why she was in trouble, and he wasn't that much of an twit to just ignore the problem she faced. He didn't want her to sleep with her husband out of petty possessiveness.

He couldn't talk to Eamon obviously, so what can he do? He only knew one thing he could do which was only to push the problem aside for the time being and make her just forget. He, himself had never felt so alive as he did when he was fighting Elissa or when he had made them both lose control of the world they were in.

He leaned closer to her, making her move backwards on the bed, until she hit the wall.

"What are you doing?" She spluttered out.

"Something I should have done before you started talking."

"You arrogant-"

"Prick? Bastard?" he continued, making her eyes narrow at him.

"Insufferable git." She finished with a small sigh.

He closed the distance between them and kissed the lips he missed for so long.

"Nathaniel." She pushed against him, "I can't," She bit out, turning her head.

"You can today, it won't make a difference."

"This will not make the problems go away," she was saying aggressively.

"But won't it make you forget?"

She was giving the look she gave him that first night, and he knew he could go for a kiss.


	6. Chapter 6

They had done it again. They had_ really_ done it. There was no excuse, nothing to blame this on! _Damn it, damn it, damn it,_ Elissa's mind screamed at her as she looked up at the ceiling.

She lay in the bed naked and spent under the covers, next to a very asleep Nathaniel.

She wondered how he managed to do that since it was only early afternoon, but then again, they had a rather exhausting session.

She looked at his sleepy form, the light from the window giving her a clear view. He was very handsome; she had to give him that, although it killed her to admit it. For once he looked so vulnerable, so...at peace, she'd never seen him like this.

Then is suddenly hit her, it was becoming a pattern; she kept noticing new things about him every time they were together, and this wasn't right. She should not care, she shouldn't notice, but she did and realizing that, felt like the room turned to a vacuum; it was very hard for her to breath. Her nerves were wrecking her insides with all the insane guilt and questions wobbling through her mind. The room started spinning, she brought her palm to her forehead trying to steady her uneven breaths but found it impossible to do so while lying next to the man causing her to feel this way in the first place.

She silently got up, not wanting to wake her sleeping tempter. She grabbed her nightgown from the wardrobe, slipped it on and paced to the window.

She sat down on the window seat and looked down at the landscape. Fortunately, her room was in the western end, so she had mountains and forest to look at, rather than the inside of the Vigil.

It was getting foggy, and the sky was white as far as the eye could see, mirroring her mood and the guilt tripping emotions reeking inside of her. The fog reminded her of the situation she had put herself into; a blurry act where she was stuck in the middle and unable to find her way out.

Her train of thought was interrupted when she heard the bed creak. Nathaniel had just woken up and was looking at her as a cat did when it got its treat. She didn't understand what it meant though, maybe a hint of affection but that would be crazy. It was unnerving her already strained nerves. When he didn't say anything, she turned her gaze back to the landscape yet again, trying to ignore him.

It didn't seem to bother him though, or maybe he hadn't noticed for he got up, not caring that he was fully nude as he stepped up behind her.

She felt jolts of electricity tingling her skin, as he started to rub her arms tenderly, the shock from caressing her so was bliss to her body, but mortifying for her brain; that her body gave up to him so easily, yearned for his touch that much, made her realize that she longed for him more then she thought or wanted to admit.

The guilt from feeling so warm and safe...almost, was suffocating, she felt her usually steely determination falter and it pained her, she needed to tamper this down, to stop it but the more she tried to push him away, his hold on her got stronger.

She held no loving feelings for this man; this is what she told herself, just simple raw lust which she thought she could control, but she couldn't and it just got worse. She was so angry at herself for this, and she was angry at him for wanting her. If this was a revenge scheme to get back at her for what she did to his father, he was definitely winning.

She was married to Alistair and her duty was with him, so why couldn't she put an end to this, and at least _try _to fix things with her husband?

Especially with so much at stake, Eamon knowing her dirty secret and what he had said. Just thinking about how that man threatened her caused her to shake all over in fear, frustration and anger, why couldn't she stop this? Where was her strong mind and steely resolve when she needed it?

And Nate's butterfly touches, reminding her of how weak she was when it came to him didn't help at all,  
"Don't," she said brokenly, trying to shake Nathaniel's arm's off her, she stood up and turned to face him, "don't."

She looked up at him, her eyes almost pleading and he could see how torn she was,

"My responsibility lies as a queen, as his wife and it isn't fair that I feel anything for you..." She said, lowering her gaze from him and looking out the window again, "I don't even know what I feel or what I want...all I know is that I never wanted this." She whispered, she wasn't sure if it was to him or to herself.

"Yet, I can't stop this, can I?" She chuckled sadly.

She felt so vulnerable at that moment and she knew he knew it. She was waiting for Nathaniel to take advantage of her weakness again, just like the first night, but to her surprise, his hands cupped her face softly, "look at me." She didn't want to look at him, all she wanted was to close her eyes and reopen them to find all of this gone.

"Look at me." He whispered again, she succumbed and did what he asked for, "Why do you keep fighting this so? You do not love him...why torture yourself in such manner?"

"You just don't get it, do you?" She replied, anger building inside her, "This isn't about _me,_ this isn't about _you _either, it's about him! Alistair's a good loving husband and a great king, he _loves_ me and I have a duty towards him. I made an oath before the Maker that day I stepped down the Altar with him, I can't just abandon the whole thing for a stupid notion..." She hissed at him, angry with so many things; with him...with herself.

"You don't even care about the consequences, because you don't have to. But I do, I am the one who has to see his sorrowful gaze everyday and deal with knowing that all the heartache he's going through is of my doing! This...whatever it is we are doing is not worth seeing him that way, he deserves better!" she almost shrieked at him, her anger exploding at last, she pushed him away from her as she made her way to the middle of the room.

But it didn't take long for Nathaniel to understand that she was running, hiding behind excuses, so he grabbed her arm firmly and pulled her back to him, making her wince from the sudden firmness.

"Let me go." She bit out.

"So you can run to court and hide? Telling yourself that you're the victim here and that you did this for duty, that you gave up on your freedom because you're a good little queen? I don't think so!"

"You really think I don't care about this situation we're both in? You don't think that I'm way over my head? That wanting you the way I do is wrong? Do you really think I'm that much of a bastard? To want something that isn't mine, to want the woman who killed my father, who is united with another man?

"Well, let me break it for you, Elissa, I'm _not _a bastard, I know this is wrong on so many levels but I face myself knowing that it was my doing. I don't blame you for wanting you..." He hissed fiercely, shaking her in the process but the look she had, the horror stricken eyes, snapped him out of it.

Realizing what he had done he let her go, "For once, stop running and face what you've done, princess, I haven't forced you into this..."

Elissa's heart was thundering in her chest, so hard, that she thought her ribcage would burst. She stood there, facing him and fighting vigorously to stop that prickling feeling behind her eyes to emerge. He couldn't be speaking the truth, could he? No, he couldn't...if he was, it meant that he was actually human, that he wasn't the beast she thought he was, and this...this complicated things for her, "No..."She told herself.

Her tears flowed uncontrollably down her cheeks as she stared at him wide-eyed, she couldn't fathom what she was seeing, she needed him to go she needed to not see him,

"It doesn't matter anymore, I need to leave, I need to get away from here..." she said, trying to hold on to her voice being strong, "and from you."

Nathaniel stared at her coldly in a way that chilled her bones, next thing she knew, he closed the distance between them and crushed his lips to hers.

She couldn't think, as everything got clouded in her mind and all she could do was press her lips back. Their tongues entwined with such heat and ferocity...not from arousal...it was something else, something she couldn't understand and feared.

But as soon as the kiss started, alert flared in her mind, this wasn't helping she had to stop it. Slowly, she brought her hands to his chest and pushed him away lightly until he broke the kiss.

She couldn't look at him as she spoke the only words that came to her mind, "Please...just...just get out," she said in defeat, as she strode to the door and opened it for him, "Please."

And without a fight, he left.


	7. Chapter 7

Nathaniel slammed his door shut as he stepped into his room. He ran his hands through his hair, trying to calm down. This hadn't gone exactly according to plan, but nothing went to plan when he was with her. Her change in behavior was baffling. He never knew how she was going to be like. He stood panting heavily in his room, not knowing what to do with himself.

After pacing in his room back and forth for a while, he sat down on his bed with his head between his hands, "Damn you!" he hissed, seething with frustration.

_Why_, out of all the women in Thedas, did he want her so badly? And more so, _why_ couldn't he control himself?

She was going back to her husband, his king, and all he had in mind was that he didn't want her near him. The idea of King Alistair's hands caressing her soft skin, his lips meeting with her plump ones, made his blood boil.

She had left before to go to him, after the first time, but these emotions were not what he experienced then. This was a new territory all together. He had been with women, yes, but he had never experienced an aching longing after those women.

_This isn't about me, this isn't about you either, it's about him! Alistair's a good loving husband and a great king, he loves me and I have a duty towards him..._

Her voice was ringing in his head. He knew she was right. He knew this all along. So why couldn't he let go? He was beyond confused, and filled with a torrent of raging emotions.

Suddenly it was all too much, he needed an outlet and before he could think, the vase placed on his dresser was smashed into the nearest wall and shattered into shimmering shards on the floor, in the faint glow of the setting sun.

He leaned on his arm, against the wall, panting. He focused on his breathing for a second, before he realized how he was acting over her.

This is not what was supposed to happen. He wasn't supposed to be left confused and angry about what they were doing when they were not fighting. He wasn't supposed to retort like he did when she was yelling at him. He was _supposed_ to be quiet and have his trademark smirk plastered to his face, and be his usual self, but he tried to talk sense into her, tried to make her understand and it made it all worse, because she saw something more to him, something he desperately wanted to keep hidden.

He didn't even realize the sun had set, as he was too obsessed trying to make some sense of what was happening between him and Elissa. He wasn't hungry, not for food at least. But he refused to go to her room, refused to give his core a voice.

He snapped out of his reverie when he heard an argument outside his open window, and he recognized both the voices. It was Captain Garevel and Elissa. He went to the window to see what was going on. He was to far up to hear clearly what was exchanged between the two of them, but the scene was clear enough. A carriage had rolled into the courtyard along with an escort of guards, and servants were putting big boxes that contained her belongings in the back of it.

Few minutes later, despite the Garevel's obvious disapproval, her carriage along with guards, drove into the darkness away from Amaranthine, away from the keep...away from him.

The morning light churned in his eyes, he blinked several times trying to adjust to the light and remember where he was. After a few moments, he realized that he was lying on top of the covers, with the clothes he wore yesterday. He couldn't remember when he fell asleep; he hadn't even managed to sleep comfortably.

He slowly got out of the bed, rubbing his face with his hands, trying to rub off the traces of sleep. He, then, got up and called for a basin to wash up. After he was done he changed into his leather armor, and got ready to go down for breakfast.

He had no idea what he was going to do today since he hadn't been part of the recruiting and training scheme; he only met the new Warden Commander once who replaced Elissa when she first departed to Denerim. The Seneschal hadn't contacted him about his absence, yet and neither had Garevel. Not that he really cared, but at that moment he really did need to do something. He couldn't get her out of his mind and he needed to immerse himself in something else, something that would take the whole thing off his mind, so he decided to do what he knew best; train.

He went down to the kitchen area where breakfast was held. Oghren was there with his wife, she was nagging him about something, holding their child cradled to her chest. Nate nodded a greeting at him, Oghren nodded back which earned him a swat at the arm from Felsi who looked really agitated, causing her husband to turn to her again quickly. Poor lad looked like he needed an escape. But from what Nathaniel gathered over the past few months, Oghren and Felsi always bickered like children but he could see that the drunken dwarf loved his wife greatly; he almost cut Dworkin Glavonak's head off when he caught him flirting with her, it took Anders, Captain Garevel and himself to pry him off the Dworkin that day.

Nate sat down for breakfast, but he couldn't really taste the food much. He was preoccupied by the previous night's events and Elissa leaving so suddenly, did this truly mean that he might never see her again?

He shook the thought out of his head as he saw Captain Garevel walk inside the room along with Seneschal Varel,

"Wardens, Good day…" he greeted, crossing his arms over his chest and bowing slightly. Sigrun, Oghren, Felsi and Nate looked up.

"Commander Leonie Caron is waiting for you in the training grounds, and requests that you go there immediately."

They all got up, Oghren muttering under his breath then left to the training grounds. It was a sunny day, with a gentle breeze despite it being late autumn, Nate wondered if winter this year was going to be as gentle.

As they reached the training grounds, Nathaniel saw Leonie Caron, their Warden Commander, standing with ten new people he'd never seen before at the keep. She was speaking loudly; giving a speech about resilience, honor and commitment to the group gathered around her, he could see them awed at the women's eloquence.

"This, my friends, is what being a Warden is all about, serving people by protecting-"she stopped midsentence when the wardens arrived. Turning slightly she said,

"Ah, finally, I believe I've met you all before, before Queen Elissa's departure," she paused for a moment, eyeing them all, "Anyhow, I'd like you to meet our recruits," she gestured towards the crowd in front of her.

Nathaniel and the others averted their gaze from her to the crowd, there must have been at least ten or eleven people standing there, there was even an elf or two, "You...you recruited all of them?" Sigrun asked in awe.

Leonie chuckled, "Yes...some consider me over zealous, but I have a natural talent of finding...people, suited for this. Enough with the chitchat, right now, these people are in dire need of training, which is why I called you here..."

Nathaniel didn't pay much attention to what she said after, he found himself looking at their new Commander, not really knowing what to make of her; she reminded him of Elissa, in some way. She _was_his Commander so maybe it wasn't strange to compare. This woman was shorter, although her armor was showing off her femininity more than Elissa's did. He remembered Elissa's hazel hair which she always kept in a bun and her eyes...her green, dark eyes always alert, her heart shaped face with high cheekbones and her luscious lips. Nathaniel frowned to himself as he thought about how she looked. Gazing at Leonie, he also noticed he was wrong. She looked nothing like Elissa. The woman standing in front of him was blond, her hair hung loosely by her shoulders. Her round face seemed determined as she was talking fiercely to the recruits. It was strange, this one was a complete contrast to Elissa in appearance, and he wondered if she withheld a total opposite personality as well.

When the speech ended, the group was divided into three smaller ones. It seemed to be a test to what people were mostly skilled at, sword and shield, daggers or archery, there were no mages however. He remembered when Elissa once mentioned that Mages were a rarity. He suddenly missed having the comic mage around. Anders had an aura around him that seemed to make everything simpler.

The Commander turned to him, "Ser Nathaniel?"

Nathaniel looked up at her, "Pardon me?" he realized that she had been talking to him and he hadn't paid any attention.

"I asked what your specialty is?" she replied in thick Orlesian accent, "What are you good at?"

"I'm a rogue, Commander. Good at both daggers and Archery and a stealth master."

"I see. Then you shall train them," she said pointing towards an auburn haired woman standing beside a tall muscular man with red hair gathered in braids and a light reddish stubborn, "He's good with his daggers but isn't nearly fast enough, and she's raw with her archery skills, can aim perfectly but needs to work on her posture and moving around with the bow..."

Nathaniel nodded after receiving his instructions before he rounded his trainees and began to work. The day was long and exhausting; the recruits all had raw talents that needed lots of proper training, but for once the exhaustion was welcome, it took his mind of the troubles he had, his mind was occupied completely with the archer-girl and her big friend. It was long cycle of showing them the moves, making them imitate them, sparring with them but by the end of the day, he could see some progress.

"You just remember what I told you about the elbows," he said to the girl, whose name was Aurelia. She nodded quickly, still panting from the exercise she was doing. He then turned to her friend, whose name was Garren, and gave him a few last tips on his moves before the day was called.

The days seemed to pass on swiftly. Nathaniel really got into the training sessions, and the two people he trained were improving. He noticed how motivated both of them were and wondered if Leonie would commence the Joining ritual soon. He hadn't really talked to her since the beginning; just a few exchanges were made. He remembered his own Joining very clear. Training fulfilled its purpose to some extent, while he was sparring on the training ground or out with the new Commander, thoughts of her were scarce, but it was when he was alone at night that she invaded his mind again.

He had just returned from another exhausting training and was back in his room, he sat on his chair in front of the fire trying to relax, trying not to not let her plague his thoughts again. He rubbed his face with his palms when someone knocked on his door. As he opened it, he was shocked to see his dear sister, with a baby cradled to her chest.

"Is this how you greet you sister?" She teased, smiling at her brother's surprise.

Nathaniel snapped out of it before making room for her to pass inside, "Delilah, what a surprise! It's good to see you again, sister," he closed his door then hugged her. He'd missed his sister a great deal, and last time he had seen her, she was heavy with child.

"Albert came here for some trading business, so I thought I should come with him and pay my dear brother a visit," she replied, rocking the babe in her hands.

"This must be my nephew," he said softly, looking down on the sleeping baby, folded in blankets, in his sister arms.

She nodded, "Thomas. His name is Thomas; it was only appropriate, his death was just so sudden, I miss him greatly. Albert didn't mind, he knew how much..." her voice trailed off and Nathaniel's mouth twitched.

"Let us not talk of the past, Delilah, but tell me, how have you been?" he asked as he motioned for his sister to take a seat, "It's been such a long time."

Delilah took her seat and hugged baby Thomas to her chest, "I'm well, Nate, life has been kind to me," she looked down at her child, "And I'm really happy, but I missed you."

"And I you, dear sister."

"Then why the silence? I told you by spring the child would be born, and it's almost winter now."

"I have been busy with the Wardens here..."

There was a silence as she checked the room, "Strange that you have this room of all the others you could have picked."

"It was the only one available, suits me don't you think?"

They laughed humorlessly but didn't say anything. After a moment of silence she said, "You valued him greatly, Nate, and he was a good man, but people change and he changed, you can't blame yourself for that."

Nathaniel looked at her earnestly, "I know what he did sister, and I came to terms with it, but it's still...difficult to imagine that he...that he was capable of such misdeeds."

"I know, brother, but you deserve to be happy and move on," she replied.

They both sat in silence for a while, Nate staring at the fire while Delilah rocked her child lovingly, casting a glance or two at her brother. She noticed the change in him, he seemed preoccupied, his mind somewhere else completely.

"What's wrong?" she asked, matter-of-factly, "Come on, spill."

Nate shook his head and replied, "Nothing is wrong," his tone was a bit too defensive for his liking, and it didn't pass unnoticed by Delilah.

She raised her eyebrow at his snappiness, "Why don't I believe you?"

"Everything is fine, you needn't worry. How is your husband?"

She chuckled, "Don't try to change the subject, Nate; you know I won't let this go. Is it a woman?"

"I said everything is fine, Delilah!" He sighed, and pinched his nose bridge.

"It is!" She exclaimed happily, "I never thought I would see my dear brother sulking over a woman. I didn't think you were capable." She giggled as she was rocking her child back and forth. "Now who could be the girl that has managed to soften you up?" She asked, with interest.

"You're never going to let this go, are you?"

"Maker, Nathaniel. You know you can't lie to me. This woman obviously has you around her finger," She laughed, "You know, it's a blessing to be in love, not a curse."

"That depends on who it is," He said before realizing that was her way to get a response. He closed his eyes as she chuckled at him.

He hated how she could read him as easily as she could read a book. She noticed all those little things that no one else did.

"So who is it?" She asked, her voice filled with curiosity.

Nathaniel started to tell her reluctantly about how the whole ordeal with Elissa started. Soon, his reluctance evaporated and he went on heatedly about everything that happened between them up until the moment she left. When he was done, he felt like a huge weight was lifted off his chest now that someone else whom he could trust knew what he was going through.

Delilah was stunned at first, then they both fell into silence. She looked deep in thought as Nate stared at her, waiting for the scolding that was bound to come, maybe she was going to scream at him and call him a bastard, but after a moment, Delilah's expression softened and she turned to her brother,

"What are you going to do, then?" she asked earnestly.

Nathaniel stared at his sister, and then started to laugh at his sister's comment; it was so plain, so simple as if he just told her that he was in love with any common girl, not the queen.

When he finally managed to stop laughing, he said, "Pardon me, I couldn't help it!" he chuckled a bit more, "What do you think I should do? Of course I won't even tread near her again, what else could I do?"

"I saw the two of you together around Amaranthine, you fit together, brother!" Delilah protested, "You fit."

Nate shook his head, "Delilah, she's the queen! What I did, what we did is a capital offense, it's treason!"

Delilah stared at him for a moment, as if she didn't hear what Nathaniel said, "By the Maker, you're in love with her?"

"No. Infatuation is the more correct term," Nate said sternly.

Delilah shook her head, "You are head over heels for her, I saw that look you have before, three years ago with Thomas, sitting just like you and telling me about the same Cousland girl he was in love with," she chuckled, "Don't be so ominous, Nate, you never know what the Maker has in store for you..."

"Yes, because the Maker himself wanted me to break someone else's marriage," Nate scoffed.

Delilah shook her head, "You know what I mean, who would've thought that I'd end up with Albert? But I did, and I'm happy."

Nathaniel sat in silence, he didn't love her. How could he love her? It all had just gone so fast and it couldn't be explained.

He heard Delilah chuckle, "Who knew that you would fall for the same girl whom you hated when I last met you."

He smiled then, "I was not in clear of everything and hate clouded my judgment for a long time."

She nodded, "Must have been difficult for both of you."

There was a moment of silence, and she looked at Nathaniel,

"I should go, Albert is waiting," she smiled tenderly before getting up, "Do visit us sometime brother."

Nate hugged her, then bent down to kiss little Thomas's forehead, "I will once I find the time, dear sister, I promise."

"I'll hold you to it," she hugged him back and left.

His sister and her husband left a few hours later, having to go back to Albert's business and their lives. It cheered Nate to see Delilah happy and satisfied with her life and he could see how much she loved Albert who seemed like a good man.

An hour or so later, he lay in bed, thinking about what his sister had told him.

_you never know what the Maker has in store for you..._


	8. Chapter 8

Elissa had a hard time when she first came back to the palace, trying to adjust to being back as the queen. Alistair was happy to see her return, and even more glad to notice that she was in good health.

But as time passed, it was easier to adapt then she thought it would but it was hard to look her husband in the eyes because she had lost all respect for herself.

She made a decision, however, on her way back to the palace. She would start working on her marriage, for real this time. What happened between her and Nathaniel was a mistake she would not repeat and she decided to forget and put Nathaniel behind her. Her duty was in Denerim, at court, to her husband. She needed to swallow the fear of her infidelity.

Alistair deserved her to be a loyal and a loving wife, and she will, by the Maker, try. He has been so understanding, even when she pushed him away, and he deserved better.

Weeks passed since that night she left in a hurry from the keep, and she complied to everything that was said and done to her. The first signs of winter had finally arrived as snow had started to fall in Denerim, and the chilly breezes became more intense and colder.

Every morning she woke up, she had maidens coming in, preparing her daily wash and clothing. She still wasn't used to get dressed up in fancy dresses or being fussed over but she learned to accept it.

During the meetings in the palace, she usually sat at Alistair's side, discussing different matters regarding the kingdom. Usually it was farmers or nobles who had issues in their home or with another person. Mostly the problems consisted of the winter that was coming. Elissa and Alistair had many complaints about the more poor parts of the city and from outside of it about the crops wouldn't survive, neither their animals and themselves. It was a big problem and Elissas heart broke every time she heard of it. When visits became more frequent, she and Alistair decided to make a program to enforce the homes in Denerim, specially in the Alienage. It would cost a lot, and at a Landsmeet, they were surprised to see a great support from the nobles that would give their share to make it possible. The nobles felt they were still in great debt after the Archdemon and soon enough they began to enforce the homes of Denerim and the farmers home.

In time, she began to show Alistair more love. He was surprised at first but quickly got used to it, he had missed his wife and was thankful for the changes he was seeing. During dinner when they ate together she fed him with her fork, and sometimes pecked his cheeks. They held hands, and they kissed more often.

Eamon dined with them at times and he seemed to have a content smile, knowing that the queen had finally seen the light. She hadn't had time to talk to him just yet, and decided to keep it that way. He did see that she was trying and that was enough for him.

However, Elissa did notice change of feelings when she started to spend more time in Alistair's company. It took some time for both of them to be completely relaxed in each others company. Alistair had been careful with what he was saying and stiff with his body language in the beginning. Maybe he thought she still needed time. It was during one evening when they had dinner, actually alone for a very long time. They were reminiscing about a moment they shared during the Blight. They were laughing and as Elissa studied Alistair's face when his mouth was cracking up to a sweet laughing smile, she saw the handsome husband that she had loved. It was strange, like a jolt that went straight to her belly. His sweet smile did stir something within her – something she thought was forever gone, and she hoped it would lead to what she felt before. They still didn't share beds and it was hard for her to get over the cliff she placed before herself. And she knew she had to, but she still felt tainted.

Alistair had prepared a surprise a few days after she came back. He had brought back her mabari Tot back from the kennels she put him in when she left for Amaranthine. Tot was very happy to see his mistress once again, and had remained stubbornly close to her ever since she came back and she enjoyed his company very much.

It was night time, a month after her return. She sat in her private bedchamber looking over some documents sent to her by the royal emissaries about problems with villagers and their crops not growing because of the chilly weather, while Tot lay close to the fireplace, basking in the warmth. A knock was heard on her door.

"Come in," she said, thinking it would be one of the maids asking her if she needed anything. But to her surprise, it was Eamon who stepped in her room.

Elissa sighed, _what did he want now?_

"May I come in, your highness?"

Elissa laid the documents down, "Of course Chancellor, how may I be of help?" she asked warily.

Eamon looked at her with kindness she hadn't seen in him since the last time they talked, "I haven't had the opportunity to talk to you, my queen, after our conversation at the keep." He said politely.

Elissa only nodded, not sure where he wanted to go with this.

"I apologize for my behavior during our last meeting, Elissa. But you must understand that I wanted the best for Alistair and I was clearly shocked at the things I...knew back then. However, I did trespass my boundaries and for that I'm truly sorry," He said earnestly.

Elissa looked up at him, "I...Thank you, Eamon, I appreciate that," she said, her mind not completely registering what he just said. "I haven't been the ideal wife, but it will change. I made a mistake, I do not know how or why I did it, but what happened has happened and I plan to make this work," she said, her tone sad, "And I am very grateful you haven't said anything to Alistair because it would ruin the little we have of this marriage." She bit her lower lip, "But I truly am trying..."

Eamon nodded with a small smile, "I understand and can see that," he made a turn to leave, but stopped again, "Oh, I almost forgot; I came by to give you these." He said, gesturing to the little bag he held in his hand. She already knew what it contained. The fertility herbs. He put them on her desk, and looked like he was pondering on something. Finally he looked up at her and gave a sad sigh, "If it worries you, I won't be telling Alistair about your...slip. It is, after all, between you and him. However, I know that you know what I'm about to say; Alistair loves you, heart and soul and he deserves his wife to _his, _just the same."

"I know." Elissa whispered, making Eamon raise his eyebrows with surprise. He almost expected her to show annoyance at his comment.

He was silent for a moment, "Forgive me for asking then, why are you not in your shared bedroom?"

"I'm not...ready," she sighed in defeat.

"My queen, you will never be ready while you're locking yourself up in this chamber. Give yourself a chance, give Alistair a chance to redeem your heart," He said curtly, "He misses you dearly and he hasn't sought comfort elsewhere. You would do him great pleasure by sharing his bed, and in time I believe you will forget your...infatuation and love Alistair."

Elissa glanced at Eamon; it didn't take a genius to know that what he said was true. She needed to give her husband a chance, he deserved it.

"I hope you take my words into your consideration, your highness. As for...Howe's issue, it will stay between us," He said with a light frown, "And might I add, those herbs are excellent with tea," he smiled before bowing to her, then turned around and left her chamber.

Exhaling deeply, Elissa sat down again, thinking of her encounter with Eamon. She knew he only wanted what was best for the boy he raised as a son. She knew that everything he said was true and the only thing left was for her to act on his advice.

She asked one of the maids for some tea. When it arrived she threw a bit of the herbs in it, the smell was quite pleasant. With shaky hands, she blew on it until it cooled then drank it all in one swig.

Eamon was right; it was no use to keep distance to Alistair. She needed to do this for her and for him. Maybe it would be the final step to actually forget what had happened and move on, to focus on what was important; her duty.

The side effects of the aphrodisiac herb were immediate. She felt a bit woozy after just a few minutes, and her body was heating up. She grabbed a satin nightgown and a robe then headed to their joint bedchamber.

* * *

Alistair rubbed his face after he finished writing some documents. He gazed outside the widow by his desk, to see that he had been up for too long.

It had turned into some sort of habit those past agonizing months, after all, all he had to go back to was an empty bed.

He still couldn't figure out what he had done to push Elissa away from him. Whenever he asked her, she never gave him any answers. She had changed so much and yet she hadn't. She had remained vigilant and strong and very compassionate to the farmers that came to them pleading about their problems. She was still her smart self but something, something he couldn't put a finger on, had changed.

He knew that she wasn't feeling happy like she was trying to show, although he did appreciate her effort in that, knowing that rumors spreads fast, and rumors about them being unhappy was not something he would look forward to.

He did notice a bit of change in her demeanor in the past month, thought, and hoped that this was the beginning of her true return to him, but so far, so little had changed, yet he appreciated it.

After reading a few more documents, he decided that he was too tired to continue, and really needed to go to bed.

_Alone, in a cold bed, forsaken by his love, _he thought bitterly.

He did not want to push her, he did not want to go to her yet again to ask if she would join him since that would put even more pressure on her, but Maker, he missed her so much!

He missed touching her, kissing her, smelling her, seeing her smile, everything that he could see and feel before she left for Amaranthine. He loved her more than anything else in this entire world. She was the one who pushed him and gave him confidence to step up and reclaim his rightful place. She was the one who always supported him and gave him courage when he didn't think he had any. She was his and his only.

Slowly, he stood up and blew out the candle at his desk. One of his servants put out the fire in the fireplace.

With heavy steps he walked towards the royal chamber, feeling insanely sad by having to go to bed alone.

Sighing deeply, he opened the door to his chamber.

The candles were already lit in his chamber. He raised his eyebrows when he realized a few more candles were even placed on the two nightstands next to the bed. He never put candles there unless he wanted to read something before sleeping.

The fireplace was roaring with fire, which was strange; his servants usually fed it after he went to his chamber, not before.

"Hello, dear husband." He thought his heart would stop when he heard that voice. He had been so focused looking at the bed so he forgot to look at his surroundings.

His beautiful, dark haired wife was sitting on the couch, placed against the wall on his right side.

She gracefully stood up from the couch and looked at him. He couldn't help to see she was dressed in a nightgown that accentuated her natural curves. Did that mean...?

"I...umm, Elissa? Wh...what are you doing here?" he managed to ask,

Elissa almost chuckled bitterly, this was what their relationship turned to. He didn't even expect her to share his bed.

She made her way towards him, and started helping him change his clothes "I have been very distant, I know and I wish to redeem that." her voice was soft and alluring, but Alistair nodded the light tremble in it.

He didn't know what to make of it, as he stood paralyzed while his wife pulled the string, holding her robe and let it slide to the ground. Her nightdress appeared. She took slow steps to him and was breathing raggedly, then she softly placed her hands on his chest. He could feel her small fingers moving through the fabric as he closed his eyes, definitely thinking he was dreaming.

As much as he didn't want to, he realized that he needed to stop her; her hands were trembling, her voice was shaky. He didn't want her to force herself out of duty.

"Elissa..." He murmured deeply, taking her smaller hands into his own and held them firmly against his beating chest, "You don't have to do this, I'm not pushing you." He whispered tenderly, looking at her face.

She interlocked his gaze with her own deep green eyes, and shook her head. "I want to do this, Alistair." She said with such sweetness, then trying to lighten the mood, she took a step back and said, "And from the looks of it, you want it to..." she smiled.

He groaned as she removed her hands from his them on his cheeks. The warmth was intoxicating but it was nothing compared when she tugged at him to lower his head and met his lips with a kiss. A kiss like the ones they used to share, before the Blight, before the throne, a passionate, loving kiss.

He quickly placed his hands around her waist and pulled her so close that it felt their bodies would meld into each other. He kissed her back with such fervor, which was fueled even more when those sweet moans escaped her lips.

He just couldn't get enough of her; just tasting her was sending him over the edge. He had missed her so much, and when she opened her mouth to let her tongue meet his, he was going mad with desire.

She was there, she was kissing him, she actually wanted to kiss him and he couldn't believe it.

He wished that this moment would never end, that this night would last forever. Just getting lost in her taste, her touch, her smell...

He couldn't hold back anymore when he led them both to their bed.

And there he finally had the sight he fantasized about for those long months. She was lying underneath him, naked and ready for him. She didn't give him time to revel in her beauty, but bucked her hips against him making him groan against her neck as he complied with her wish.

He entered her, the folds of her personal heaven swallowing him. A groan escaped his lips as he thrust deeply into her for the very first time in a very long time, and he just knew he wouldn't last for long.

Elissa moaned underneath him, and grabbed his hips, to make him thrust harder into her. He couldn't hold back for long, she felt so good around him, that she drove him over the edge so quickly. He thrust into her one last time as a breathy moan escaped both their lips.

They were both panting heavily, and he chuckled, "I'm sorry for not making this more...umm, memorable."

She only smiled at him, but the smile didn't quite touch her eyes.

He pulled out of her then laid next to her, wanting to give her more pleasure to compensate for his inadequate performance, when he noticed her eyes tearing up.

She stilled his hand with her own, shaking her head, "I'm spent, Alistair. Let's just sleep..."

He couldn't help but notice her reddened eyes, and the tremble in her voice as she said those last words. She made a move to turn and blow off her candle when his hand stopped her,

"What's wrong?" He whispered, she didn't respond. He sighed, "Elissa, answer me, please..."

At that a tear slipped her eyes as she blinked and he knew that something was definitely aching her. He pulled her in his arms and enveloped her in a warm embrace. To his surprise, she started sobbing, her sobs came out long and painful and it utterly broke his heart. She had only cried once before in his presence. She was never the one to show her full emotion on her face – especially in later days. And yet, here she was, crying and Alistair felt torn.

"Elissa...is it me? Have I done something? Please, you need to talk to me," he almost begged, "I'm really sorry if I have caused you distress, or hurt you in any way, but for me to know what it is, you really need to tell me."

She shook her head, as she looked up at him, "I...I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry..." she repeated over and over again in between her tears.

His frown softened, as he realized what she meant, "Love, it's okay...shshsh, you have nothing to be sorry about...Hush, Elissa, Hush..."

But Elissa couldn't stop her tears; all she could do was lean in his chest and cry, cry for her past mistakes, for the pain she caused him and for the pain she felt.

"I love you..." She whispered between her gasps for breath.

He hadn't heard that for a very long time, and it was not what he expected to hear from her.

"I love you too, dear wife." He said softly, kissing her head, trying to comfort her. Eventually her tears stopped, and both of them fell asleep.


	9. Chapter 9

Morning came earlier than Elissa wanted it to. She had woken up in the middle of the night, feeling utterly nauseous and almost panicked. She was restless most of the night, unable to stop thinking about what had happened. Thankfully the strong arms that were holding here, made her feel...safe. Alistair had mumbled a sound but had not woken up, he snuggled closer to her neck.

The light from the sun goaded her eyes as it reflected right through the window. and she groaned, and moved to the other side, to face Alistair's sleeping frame lying peacefully there. He looked happy even in his sleep and she was glad that he felt that way.

A knock was heard on the door, and Elissa sighed; another start to another day, she thought.

The knock woke Alistair up. He gave a radiant smile as he met his wife's eyes, looking at him.

The door was opened and Alistair groaned as loads of servants marched in. They all threw surprised glances at the presence of the queen. They blushed, and mumbled excuses and went out again to wait until the king would call them back in.

"They always do that." He mumbled as he stroked his wife's bare arm.

Elissa smiled, "I figured."

Her eyes followed him as he propped himself up on his elbow. He moved closer to her and kissed her gently. She returned the kiss reluctantly then got up from bed. She dressed herself with both pieces of clothes from last night. Alistair stared at her for a few moments then proceeded to do the same. As the servants were called back in, Elissa excused herself and hurried back to her own chamber.

Once she got back, she let out anguished sobs she'd been holding inside throughout the night. Her mabari sensed her distress as Elissa sank to the floor against her door. He sat down next to her and nudged her knee.

_Our family always does our duty first_, the words of her father rang in her head. It was the last he had said to her before she escaped Highever. She was a Warden and a queen and she had fulfilled her duty once and for all.

The rest of the day passed as a blur. Alistair was busy with something, somewhere, she didn't know neither did she feel the need to know. Elissa mostly kept to herself, with her maidens following her around like dogs wanting a treat. She just wanted to be left alone. She missed her long gone friends. She felt the need to talk to someone, but no one was around Denerim any longer. Leliana was the one she bonded with the most as a friend. She could talk with her about anything and it would be kept a secret and Leliana would always try to cheer her up, or tell her stories about the Maker and his wonders.

Elissa felt trapped in a cage with her emotions, afraid she would break soon enough if she couldn't talk about it.

She arrived a bit late for dinner, at the royal dining room, where Alistair and Eamon had already started eating. They were talking in low whispers and didn't hear her walk in.

"Gentlemen," Elissa announced, as a servant helped her into her seat.

"Elissa..." Alistair responded just as sweetly as she sat down next to him, and Eamon said politely, "My queen."

Dinner was served quickly to by the servants in the castle.

They sat in silence for a while, until Eamon cleared his throat and started to speak.

"Alistair, has the Winter Ball been planned yet?"

Alistair looked slightly confused by the topic but quickly regained his mind.

"Yes, it has all been taken care of."

"We are having a winter ball?" Elissa asked, causing the men to quickly glance at each other. "Why, if I may ask?" She inquired in confusion.

Eamon paused a moment before continuing, "The Winter Ball is an annual formality that we have every year to praise Andraste and the Maker and for the fortunes they have brought us."

Elissa snorted, "The Winter Ball is an excuse for nobles to get drunk publicly and try to pair their children with the wealthiest bachelor available."

"My queen!" Eamon said aghast and dropped his fork on the soon to be empty plate.

Elissa raised an eyebrow, "We don't have the gold to spare."

Alistair gently placed his arm on Elissa's shoulder, "Love...we do have the gold to spare. I know you are anxious for the Alienage but it shall be taken care of."

Elissa felt Alistair's hand pressing on her shoulder lightly, but she refused to let it go. This was a waist of gold that was much needed for more important matters.

"Your Highness, your parents were very involved in the Winter Ball. I fail to see why you are so against it."

Elissa stiffened at the mention of her parents, some wounds just cut too deep.

"I know that," she responded bitingly.

Eamon was about to say something else, but Alistair shook his head in a warning manner to leave it.

Elissa didn't hate the Winter Balls, it was true what she said about the nobles, but it was a wonderful ball every year. It just reminded her of too many things she didn't want to remember; Cailan, her parents, how things used to be, when she was a noble and how her mother tried to match her up with the finest men in the nation…

"Love, I will try my best to make it as the finest ball you have ever seen." Alistair whispered soothingly in her ear.

Elissa remained silent, looking at her untouched food, and dreading that a ball was coming where she would be the centre of attention.

Another three weeks passed, and snow filled the streets, gardens and houses in Denerim – even on the palace grounds. It had become more chilly and cold and Lake Calenhad froze over.

The Winter Ball was in three days. Elissa, however, was a lot more accepting of the ball by that time. She started to look at it from a different perspective; the ball gave her a chance to spend more time with her husband as they were helping planning the ball together and things were getting better between them.

It got easier to lay with Alistair after the first time. She still had some troubles as certain memories haunted her, but even those lessened. She was finally becoming normal for a change and was a fully committed wife.

She had no luck with pregnancy, however. Her cycle had commenced the week before and ended just the other day. She could see the worry in Alistair and she knew he would love to have a child, but she was sure she wouldn't be able to give him one.

Rumors had started to spread in Ferelden that she was barren but the people still loved her as their queen, but the nobles, on the other hand, wanted an heir for the throne to secure threats from outsiders. They were all very grateful for what Elissa had done but it wasn't enough anymore. This caused an outburst on Alistair's side at the last gathering they had discussing the future of Denerim.

"It's only rumors, Elissa," Alistair said tiredly to his worried wife as she stood at her windowpane in her own room. He came up from behind and placed his warm hands on her shoulders. Elissa closed her eyes, trying to relish the feelings she should be getting from such an embrace.

"You know it's true. No matter what I eat, no matter what fertility spell or rituals we will use, it won't matter. Maybe if only one of us was a Warden, but not with two." She shook her head in defeat.

She wanted nothing more than to have a child, a child that she would love with all her heart and soul, and in turn she would love Alistair for giving such a gift to her, but she had given up. It wasn't going to happen.

"We will continue trying. Don't listen to the nobles and their rants. All I care about is to be with you, if that meant not having a child, then so be it. I love you, Elissa, and you are worth everything to me." Alistair whispered, as he tucked a lock from her hair behind her left ear. Elissa still had her eyes closed, and felt a tickling breath on her neck causing her to arch her back a little, then she sighed and turned towards him.

"What about the kingdom? They are right about what will happen if no heir will be taking your place."

"No, I will have announced the next king before that time comes and avoid trouble." He said lightly as if that is the easiest thing to do.

"Alistair..." She sadly whispered, leaning towards his chest.

He quickly embraced her, "Don't trouble with it. Having a child now..." He stopped.

"We have time Elissa..." He finished. "If you want to worry about something, worry about what to wear for the ball." He continued with a saucy wink.

Elissa chuckled at him and placed her hand at his cheek, caressing it lightly.

"I forgot to tell you that some of the Wardens, including the new Commander will be coming for the festivities. She has gotten a few recruits in these past few weeks and hopes to get more, and I invited them here to stay at the palace until they will have to get back."

It felt like something heavy just dropped on Elissa's chest. Her entire body tensed up at the notion. She was silent for a few moments but quickly shook the thought off her mind. Thankfully Alistair remained oblivious.

If he would come, then so be it. It wouldn't mean anything between them and by this time he has probably found someone else to entertain himself with. Trying to hinder their arrival would only be silly and awaken suspicions and she didn't want that. She reconsidered her reaction to the news after a while and realized that she had no problems with him coming here.

It was relieving; it felt like a heavy burden was lifted off of her, knowing that he didn't have such effect on her anymore. It had her in a great mood for the few remaining days until the ball would take place.

The Wardens arrived early morning of the day of the ball. She and Alistair both stood at the entrance of the palace to greet them.

Leonie arrived with Sigrun, an auburn haired girl Elissa did not know, two men she hadn't met before either and of course Nathaniel. They all bowed as they got in a line to hail their king and queen.

"It's an honor to have been invited here, your majesties," Leonie spoke as she rose.

"It's an honor to have fellow comrades here as well, Commander," Alistair responded with a small smile.

"Indeed it is. Come inside, please. It's very cold outside," Elissa smiled and gestured them inside. She didn't meet Nathaniel's eyes once, and he didn't actually try to get in contact with hers. He just went past her like she was maid of air.

It hurt more then she cared to admit, and she damned herself for feeling this way when she clearly thought she was over him. Trying not to feel the sting of Nathaniel's obvious rejection of acknowledging her, she gingerly walked inside as normal she could with Alistair, fearing that her Warden's company would be dreadful for the coming days to come.

Elissa hated being right, and right she was as she stepped out of her room later in the afternoon insisting that her maids would be more helpful it they helped out with something else other than her.

After the maids finally left, she turned to get inside her chamber again when she saw the leaning frame of Nathaniel against the nearby pillar. This was not what she wanted or needed. She hated the thundering of her heart and the nervous flutters she was having induced just by his presence. She knew from experience that it could never be good.

"Nathaniel," She said as politely as she could.

He smirked, and replied in the same manner, "my queen."

"Are you not needed somewhere else? I fear your Commander will wonder where you went missing."

"Do not worry about that," He said in a hushed tone, and left his comfortable place from the pillar to stand in the middle of the hallway.

Elissa cleared her throat, and urged herself to calm down as she was rather feeling hot all of a sudden even with the chilling wind coming in from the nearby window.

"Is there something I could help you with?" She asked carefully, earning a classic smirk from him.

He tilted his head, and walked towards her in very slow steps, and purposefully stopped right in front of her. Elissa didn't budge; she stood as frozen in her spot in front of the door.

"We have unfinished business, thanks to your rather hurried escapade from the keep," He said slowly.

"We have nothing unfinished; neither do I need to explain myself to you."

Nathaniel chuckled darkly, "This isn't just about you, as much as you wish it would be."

Elissa sighed in defeat, "what do you want?"

"I think that is something better discussed in private, rather than in a hallway," He nodded towards the nearby guards that were stationed further down the hallway. His smirk was positively wicked as Elissa grunted in frustration and violently opened her door for him to enter.

"This better be quick," She warned as he passed her. She regretted drawing breath as he did, because his scent freshened memories of things they had done when he was at such close proximity.

She closed her door and locked it – just in case if a maid decided to come around.

Nathaniel looked around in the room, and dispassionately touched the furniture as he walked over to the window.

Elissa remained at the door; hugging her body with her arms as if afraid he would jump her.

The silence was unnerving as was the tension. The only thing Elissa heard was the very loud and hard beating of her heart that somehow got stuck in her throat. As she stared at him she realized that he almost had not changed at all. He still let his hair down the same way, only bound by a braid, except that it had grown a little bit.

"You left," He said suddenly, and turned his head, "Why?"

"I saw no more reason to stay," She answered stiffly.

He looked at her with skepticism clear on his face, "I don't believe that. You got afraid, didn't you?" He took two steps closer to her, "About what we were doing?"

Elissa gulped, "You seem to have the answer for every question you ask me, why bother with an answer?" She asked sharply.

He chuckle once again, "I love that sassy mouth of yours. Something I miss in your absence at the keep," He was evading the question as much she was evading the answer.

"The maid that I asked for your whereabouts did tell me you spent a lot of nights now in the King's bedroom. Tell me, what do you think of when you lay with him?" Jealousy was clear in his voice, as his voice turned into a velvety tone.

"That is none of your business," Elissa answered, blushes creeping up on her cheeks.

Nathaniel tsked in annoyance and there was another nerve wrecking silence between them.

"So you do sleep with him," He stated more to himself then to her after a while.

Elissa blinked, "What did you think I would do? Maintain distance to my, mind you, husband?"

Nathaniel shot her a glare, and Elissa looked away and said weakly, "I fail to see where this matters to you. What we were doing was not right, Nathaniel, nothing was – nothing would ever make it right or normal."

His dark, sinful chuckle made her weaken in her legs as he closed in on her, "There has _never_ been anything normal or casual with what we are doing to each other or have been doing. Not _ever._"

Elissa steeled herself as she locked her own gaze with his and stared into the deep pit of his grey eyes. There was fury in them. He hides it well with his voice, but not with his eyes.

He grasped her chin, making her unwillingly quiver by feeling his touch again.

"Did you enjoy it?" He asked sharply, making her blink in confusion, her attention fixed on not feeling anything.

"His touch, his hands, his body, his mouth, tell me – did you enjoy it?" He asked again, with a hint of desperation in his voice, which was discolored by fury.

Elissa couldn't make words form in her mouth, she didn't know what caused it, but she slapped him hard, making his grip on her chin fall away. She had been so taken aback by the question and a part of her was terrified of what the answer might have been. Slapping might have gone too far, but it was all she could think off.

"Remember who you are talking to!" She growled.

He laughed, a depressed, cynical sound that had no hint of mirth, and rubbed his cheek where a flaming red mark was starting to form, "I thought you said once to always think of you as an equal...Elissa."

The way he said her name caused her heart to jump in her throat, something she wasn't prepared for.

"Leave," she hissed.

His smirk was full of menace and in a quick movement he had her pressed against the door, and with his rogue reflexes, her hands above her head in his firm grip.

"You are doing things to me. You don't leave my head, my thoughts,_ never_. You are a demon buried deep in my soul, Elissa, a demon which I wish to exorcise…but by the Maker can't," he whispered in her ear, letting his hot breath tickle her skin down her neck. Her skin was flooded by the sensation and it felt like all the air had been sucked out of the room.

"I cannot eat, I cannot sleep, nor can I concentrate on the training," He continued while Elissa's breath was caught in her chest, as she felt him so close to her. The way he spoke to her, the things he said, it made her tremble.

"This is all your doing and your blasted escape that night, leaving me in wanton and confusion..."

"I never meant or thought..." Elissa tried to say.

"To what?" he asked forcefully, his grip on her hands tightening, making them go numb.

"I didn't think you would still think of me…I'm someone you shagged in the heat of the moment, not your lover...please Nathaniel," She whispered pleadingly.

"You expected me not to remember you?"

She was stunned by his words, shocked at his audacity to approach her in such a way. She was off balance by his nearness, and feeling so incredibly wonderful, as his breath was making her skin fill up by sensation.

"Come now, _my queen,_ not even you would think so foolishly!" Nathaniel bit out.

Her heart was slamming against her ribcage. This was getting out of hand. She knew they both had equal part in it, but she never knew how much it affected him.

Nathaniel snorted and let his hands leave hers, and in a moment all heat she felt by his presence was gone. She tried to regain her composure, which proved to be difficult, because her body demanded otherwise.

He was still close. Elissa numbly massaged her wrists, she was shaking visibly. Nathaniel stared at her, and she shifted uncomfortably, feeling stupid for letting him in the room in the first place. It was clear; she wasn't over whatever she had with Nathaniel and neither was he. It was dangerous being in her chamber with him alone and with a locked door.

There was a long silence for neither party knew what to say. What did he want from her? To admit that she still wanted him but couldn't? Maker...

"What do you want Nathaniel?" she finally asked.

"I thought I made that part clear."

She shook her head, "I cannot live up to that agreement."

He took a step ahead and she closed her eyes. "I can't think of anyone else but you, believe me I have tried forgetting you, expel you from my mind. You are driving me insane as I haven't even been able to be with other women thanks to the imprint you left behind."

"Clearly you didn't have difficulties in that area even though I can feel how much you are affected by me being here," He said harshly and she opened her eyes.

She wanted to say that it wasn't by choice any longer, that it was something she had to and tried to enjoy, but held her tongue. It would do no good for him to know the truth of her feelings or how she in particular felt about laying with Alistair. It would only provoke him to claim her again.

She looked at him hard in the eye, "No, I don't have problems sleeping with my husband. He gives and gets pleasure, and I enjoy him in bed," she answered with an emotionless voice.

His eyes narrowed and took another step closer to her. She evasively took a step aside, making her trapped against the wall rather than the door.

"You're lying."

She laughed, "No, because the difference has always been that I love Alistair and hate you. He loves me and that is something you would never or could never be able to do."

That hurt, she could see that in his eyes, she had explicitly put him in a situation which he couldn't deny or know how to handle. She had lied but as long she lived up her act he would go away. He didn't even know that she was being so horrible for his sake to move on.

"Finally found your answer then?" She asked. It was painful seeing him like this, knowing that she was the reason behind it.

"Good," She said as he remained silent. She opened the door, and motioned for him to leave, "I shall see you at the ball."

"My queen." He said dispassionately and stormed out in the hallway. Elissa knew she had to go somewhere, but her feet couldn't carry her not after her encounter…

_Blasted Howe!_


	10. Chapter 10

Nathaniel walked down the hallways, not really caring where his feet dragged him. He was furious.

_Damn her, damn it all!_

_Why did I go see her? What was I thinking...she's the queen, she's married._

Some things he said were not meant to be said. He just wanted to see her, for whatever crazy reason he had. He wanted her, and it confused him.

What did he expect of her? That she'd rush into his arms and beg him to take her? She was not that kind of person. She didn't want to betray her husband's trust.

But she had betrayed her husband's trust before, if she didn't feel something for him, then why did it even occur once, nay, twice at the keep?

Females of any race were quite possibly the most devious and manipulative creatures ever created, Nathaniel thought, and it seemed that males were designed to be, inarguably, the most pathetic half-wits when it came to feminine wiles anyway, and no matter how much he wished to deny it, Nathaniel knew that he was not immune to such a curse.

He had always been trained and disciplined with his behavior, but a mere moment alone in a room with her made him a weak sod, completely driven by his urges, and that petrified him. His self control was an essential part of him, but his brain might as well be spattered against the wall for all the good it was doing right now.

Her face an scent was haunting him to no end.

He slumped against the stone wall in one of the hallways, and took deep breaths then cursed. He never thought that Elissa of all people could make him feel this way, since only a few months ago he wanted to rip her heart out.

"Rough day?"

Nathaniel jumped up, he was too preoccupied to notice the owner of the voice approach him. He turned and saw Eamon smiling at him.

"You can say that," he bowed, "Chancellor."

"Some tea might make you feel better; you are in no rush I presume?"

Nathaniel shook his head, "I need to attend to the courtyard. My Commander has required my presence."

Eamon chuckled; _he was friendly, too friendly_.

Nathaniel suspicion kicked in. He knew who this man was, he was the one Elissa said knew about them.

"I'm sure she can wait. Please follow me to my study," He turned and started to walk, without giving a chance for Nathaniel to protest.

They entered Eamon's room. Some moments after, he motioned for Nathaniel to sit. He obliged uncomfortably; he was a bit anxious about what was to come.

Eamon went outside the room to get a maid to bring them tea, and then walked back in a few seconds later.

"So Nathaniel Howe, your name has made quite a mark on this kingdom," Eamon cheerily smiled as he walked behind the desk to sit opposite to Nathaniel.

"What do you mean your lordship?"

"I mean there are tales and songs about you." Eamon sighed and quoted, "The proud warrior that rose from ashes of a crashed dynasty to find his true calling and redeemed his name."

Nathaniel raised an eyebrow in amusement, "Really?"

"How's the queen doing?" Eamon asked, not wanting to divulge in the topic he started.

Nathaniel heart skipped a beat, "I expect she is well, you should ask her that rather than me."

"Oh, I thought it was suiting to ask you as you just were there."

Nathaniel shifted uncomfortably in his seat, and stared directly into Eamon eyes, "Is there something you wish of me, chancellor, or did you bring me here merely to play games?" He asked quietly.

Eamon opened his mouth to respond but a knock on the door interrupted him. A maid walked in and served them their tea. The chancellor waited for the maid to exit before speaking.

"No games, my dear boy. I'm sure you know that I know of your little...misstep, what I wish to know is if you are going to continue insisting on seeing her?"

"I'm not sure I know what you're talking about, my lord."

"Don't be coy with me, ser Howe; I know how you feel about her..."

"How I feel?" Nathaniel asked incredulously.

"You are in love with her," Eamon stated simply and took a sip from his tea.

"I do not love her," Howe protested but Eamon held a hand high to silence him.

"Do you have any idea what the repercussions of your words are? I could charge you of committing adultery and treason," Eamon hissed angrily.

Nathaniel stayed silent.

"I thought not," Eamon continued, "It's clear that she shares those...feelings."

"You are wrong," The rogue rose from his seat, "The queen wishes to have nothing to do with me and I will respect that."

"You must mistake me for a fool, boy," Eamon sneered, "Is that why she let you in her personal chamber, unescorted, and locked the door?"

Nathaniel's heart was slamming hard against his ribcage and cold sweat was forming on his forehead. It was demeaning, the way Eamon insisted on calling him boy, as if he were nothing more than just dirt.

"I did not expect she-"

"I do not care what you expected. I asked you here for a reason, not to play games with you."

Nathaniel bit back his protests, as his jaw clicked shut. He was confused by Eamon's actions; if the chancellor knew, shouldn't he have informed king Alistair of Elissa's infidelity? Of what Nathaniel tried to do when he visited her? He knew that the Chancellor was beyond loyal to the king and yet he has not told this. This man made no sense to him.

"I want you to convince the queen to admit her infidelity to the king."

"I beg your pardon?" Nathaniel was shocked.

"You heard me correctly, Nathaniel, it's necessary for the king to know the truth."

Nathaniel crossed his arms, "If it is so important for the king to know, why haven't you informed him?"

"Let us just say, that I'm not in the best position to do so...but I assure you, had circumstances been different, I wouldn't have left Alistair in the dark."

Realization hit Nathaniel as he stared at the older man sitting before him. He laughed mockingly, "And I'm supposed to believe that your sudden desire for the king's knowledge of the issue is the best for the court, that it has nothing to do with _your_ desire for revenge? Hmm?"

Eamon's face darkened, and his tone turned grave as he spoke, "Had this been –solely- for my revenge, I would have never pressed the matter forward, but this is a matter of life and death of hundreds of Fereldens, the queen is a danger for the court and the kingdom."

He got off his desk and stepped to the window then continued, "And to eliminate this impending danger, the queen must leave court...must leave the whole kingdom."

Nathaniel was at a loss for what to say, he was confused by Eamon's words. The man hadn't denied that a part of him wanted this to avenge the death of his own son, the mage boy who was possessed because of his mother's own wrong doings, yet he claimed that there was more to the matter than his petty revenge.

But, could he have staged this whole matter just for revenge? To get Nathaniel to agree and wreck the queen's life as a punishment for her killing his son?

"There is also the matter of her being barren," Eamon continued, "As these past weeks of unsuccessful coupling between her and the king have proven, but the king is being unreasonable because he loves the woman too much."

Nathaniel's chest tightened at the images that filled his mind at the mention of coupling and of Alistair love towards Elissa. A part of him felt angry and jealous, but the major part felt disgusted and guilty, not only for his past deeds with the queen, and the utter betrayal he'd done to the king, but also because a part of him...a very small part which he wanted to silence forever, was hopeful because of the opportunity presented by Eamon's words.

But the king never deserved the pain and suffering that would surely come if he found out about what Elissa and he had done. She had stopped for the sake of Alistair, and pushed him away, but now he is asked to convince her to admit her infidelity, and he still didn't know what for.

"The marriage must be annulled."

Nathaniel looked up at the chancellor from his reverie, "You keep saying that, chancellor, but you yet have to tell me, what kind of danger does her majesty pose to the kingdom? She sacrificed a lot and was ready to die to save Ferelden, I can't see her as being any kind of a threat to King Alistair either, so I see no other reason for such necessity you speak of, other than your own...revenge," he stood up, as his temper got the better of him, ready to storm out of the room but Eamon's dark chuckle made his blood run cold, and rooted him to his spot.

"I wish it was only for my revenge, boy, but sadly it isn't so..." he turned and faced Nathaniel,

"Ferelden is in danger of a bloody war, because of that _harlot!"_ he hissed.

"War?" Nathaniel whispered confusingly.

"Sit down, Nathaniel, and let me explain."

* * *

After lunch, Elissa had been stuck in her chambers with her maids, who were responsible for preparing her for the ball.

She felt disoriented as she sat in front of her vanity, thinking about Nathaniel and his visit a few hours before.

"Ouch!" Elissa squealed; one of her maids pulled her hair a little too rough, up in a bun. It was amazing how pulling someone's hair actually hurt ten times more than getting a cut in the arm.

"I apologize, your Highness, but we need to make you beautiful as ever for the ball."

Elissa looked in the mirror placed in front of her as several maids were running around with jewels and accessories.

She was used to have her hair in a simple bun but the maids were pulling it tight with pearls going around it. She had one lock that fell in graceful curls over her forehead. Her maid, Anna placed pearl earrings in Elissa's ears.

Elissa really had argued against this, but gave in, in the end, under her handmaiden's insistence. She had to admit she looked pretty with all the jewels and the hairdo but she was not used to it. Another maid, a female elf named Lyra was preparing for Elissa's make up. This made her uncomfortable, because the last time she wore that was for the wedding and before that was in Highever, and she hated the feel of it on her face.

They darkened and marked her eyebrows with a brown color, and put rouge on her cheeks. They put kohl around her eyes. It was the latest fashion from Orlais, they told her, as they colored her eyelids in gold.

Once they were done, they went on to the dress. It was a beautiful, strapless wine red dress that hugged her curves a little too much and exposed her bosom far more than she'd normally allow. She looked at herself in the mirror and gasped; the person she saw in the mirror was not her. It was someone else, someone elegant and beautiful, not fierce and rough around the edges like she was.

The maidens beamed at their queen and her beauty and were very satisfied with their work.

The king met her in the hallway that leads to where the ball was held.

He looked devilishly handsome out of his armor, and dressed in a fancy dress-shirt and breeches. Elissa could quite literally see his jaw drop once he saw her.

"My queen," he stammered as she smiled at him. She extended her arm for him, which he readily took in his.

"You look impeccable, dear husband." She replied with a tender smile.

"Oh yes, I'm irresistibly handsome, I know," he joked. She swatted his arm playfully causing him to chuckle.

"So are you ready for this?" Alistair asked as they stood in front of the huge doors that would open shortly to announce their arrival.

"It will be fine."

She remained silent, listening to the music inside the hall and the chattering that was loud.

As they entered the ball room, Elissa gasped at the amount of decorations in the place. Chandeliers hanging down from the ceiling, lit with candles creating such a musky atmosphere and a warm light around the room. There were a group of musicians playing at the right corner of the room, and nobles were dancing. As the trumpet announced that the king and queen were present, all activities immediately stopped. All the nobles and Wardens bowed gracefully to the pair and Alistair blushed. Elissa chuckled internally that Alistair still wasn't used to all the formality.

The trumpet sounded once again and everyone stepped in line to greet the monarchs. Elissa noticed that the Wardens were gathered together in the corner amongst themselves and she felt the burning gaze of Nathaniel following her.

This was going to be an interesting night.


	11. Chapter 11

_**AN:** So we are heading into the part of the story where I couldn't make it work before, I hope it does now. A huge thanks and love goes to my lovely beta, Naaa-E whom I owe my eternal gratitude to. She helped me so much!_

_And thanks for all the reviews, alerts and favorites, it really does make my day, and I hope you will continue liking this as we now head into more interesting stuff._

* * *

The ball started off with a formal dance that the king and queen shared. As the music began playing, Alistair led his wife happily on the floor, before all the people gathered around them and joined the dance.

Elissa smiled as they moved across the floor with ease. She always loved dancing, as her mother taught her that. Dancing was a way to express her feelings.

When Alistair twirled her around, and lifted her up, she felt as if she was in another world, alone and careless, only with the music to accompany her. For a few moments, she didn't have to worry about the anything, Nathaniel, the suspicions of her being barren, nothing. The music was soothing to her ears and she hummed quietly along with it. She wished it would never end, but it would and she would be forced back into her world of problems and worries.

She had corresponded with her brother for the first time in ages since her second return to Denerim. A smile played along her lips knowing he was here tonight. The only kin she had left had remarried and became the Teyrn of Highever. The woman was from Orlais as his lost wife, she learned, which was not surprising as Fergus especially liked women from that country.

_So much more sophisticated and less war hungry_, he had told her in his letter, making her slightly chuckle.

She felt Alistair's tight grip around her, making her fly across the floor. Her eyes were open and they interlocked with Alistair's warm gaze. He smiled tenderly at her.

He also told her that his wife was with child, and she would have to visit Highever as soon as possible. She should have visited for his wedding but it was held when she was Commander, and couldn't make it, which saddened her, but she sent him a letter, wishing him the best.

The dance ended eventually, much to her dismay, and Elissa's inner musings came to an abrupt ending. There were loud applauses held for them, and the king took her hand in his and walked up to their throne.

"The Winter ball has been held for many generations, and this year it would be no exception. Enjoy the feast!" Alistair had never been much of a speaker for occasions like these, but sometimes fewer words meant more and the nobles happily scattered around to talk, dance, eat and drink. Both she and Alistair went to mingle as well.

Elissa was curious about the new Commander as she had not had a chance to talk to her as of yet. Her first priority was to talk with her brother, and then with the Commander, and for all that is holy –to avoid Nathaniel.

The music was playing once again, a faster tune, and as she walked among the grinning nobles whom she knew were questioning her being barren, she felt a pat on her shoulder form behind.

"Guess who?" said a very happy voice.

Elissa smiled and turned around to see her brother, his arms interlocked with a woman, that she guessed was his wife. She was far along as you could see on the counters of her dress, her belly poked out quite heavily.

"Fergus," she breathed, and she hugged him. He had barely changed. His hair was still a mess as it always had been.

"My sweet little sister, father would have been so proud if he could see you today," she could feel his grin against her hair as he spoke.

"This is my wife," he started when they parted, "Camille, this is my sister."

"It's a pleasure to finally meet the famous hero of Ferelden, your Majesty," Camille bowed, making Elissa blush and murmur, "Please don't call me that. We are family."

"Always so modest," Fergus chuckled.

"One of us has to be," She muttered at him, making him laugh harder.

"How have you been? I hope Fergus hasn't been too much for you," She said the last part directed to Camille.

"We have been well, and the Maker has blessed us with a child," Fegus practically beamed as his hand travelled to his wife's belly, rubbing it gently. "Your brother is...tiring at times, but we're very happy," Camille continued with a smile, in a thick Orlesian accent.

"Remember how I used to give mother a headache at least three times a day?" Fergus winked at his sister.

"I do," she smirked at him. "Are you staying here in the palace for a while?" she asked.

"We are staying for two days, Camille and I are both homesick already, and I do not like leaving Highever for longer than necessary."

Elissa nodded in understanding; Rendon Howe had left heavy marks over there and Fergus barely left the Highever grounds for more than a day after he was given back their home.

She had told Fergus that she made the youngest Howe a Warden, and he disapproved immensely, his letters were angry at first, and their communication slowed for a time; she didn't want to worry about her brother's disdain for the man, but by now she thought it would have soothed since he hadn't mentioned him in the last letters they had shared.

"Fergus, I need to tell you that Nathaniel is here tonight with some other Wardens, and I hope and expect out of you as a Cousland not to bring up old scars," she said warningly as his face darkened, "I have told you he had nothing to do with what happened."

Fergus looked at her like she had suddenly grown an extra head, "Please brother, past grudges must die or we will never be able to move on. The past is the past and the one that caused us pain is dead."

"He is here, how can I not ignore him? I will take one look at the man and I will see Rendon Howe that day, with his fictitious smile, knowing that he would slaughter our family!"

"I know that this is difficult, but Fergus, I have been with him in Amaranthine for over a year and believe me when I tell you it has not been easy for me or him for that matter. Do remember he came back to Ferelden only knowing that his father died by my hands..." her voice faded, realizing that Nathaniel had not acted like she was the most hateful creature in Thedas, since their conversation at the keep.

She shook the thought out of her head, "Just promise me you will not to anything rash."

He let out a heavy sigh, "Very well, I will not."

"Thank you," She patted him on the shoulder.

"Well, sister, we will not keep you occupied, but do visit us or I will come here myself and drag the queen to my humble home. It will not do the Cousland name any good," he joked, and with a wink, he and his wife walked away.

Elissa sighed and shook her head; she had missed her brother, but she could not talk to him here, with his wife and hungry ears available. They had been best friends, and she realized she needed someone to talk to. She wondered if he would listen or if he would never forgive her...

She was offered a drink from one of the servants, which she gladly took, and searched for the Warden Commander. After a quick scan she found her standing with the rest of the Wardens including Nathaniel and she decided her conversation would be saved for later. Her eyes lingered on the rogue, and he was quick enough to look back. She turned her head quickly and felt her heart speed up.

She suddenly wanted nothing more than to get away, she could not go to the balcony even though she would love the fresh air; the cold would kill her.

She could feel his presence vibrating through her core and even without looking she knew he was behind her. It was radiating in waves and she swallowed thickly, trying to wet her suddenly dried mouth.

Her shoulders tensed, and she sighed internally; what could he possibly want? And here out of all places...

He must have sensed her distress, "Do I frighten you that much?" he spoke in a whisper but it was enough for her to hear him.

"No," Her voice held no conviction, much to her dismay. She slowly turned around and steeled herself to look him in the eye. He was at a respectful distance, not wanting to be in her private space at a commotion as the ball. His hands were held behind his back. His gaze intoxicated her; she'd almost forgotten that she wasn't alone with him in the big hall.

"I do not wish to disturb you, Your Majesty, but there is a matter I need to discuss with you in private."

He was talking with full respect, without any malice.

"What is that you want to discuss?" She asked, her voice betraying her emotions.

His all knowing smirk, which she expected never came, instead his face was expressionless, maintaining his distance and his respect as he answered back, "Something that is more suited somewhere where there aren't any unwanted listeners."

"What is this about?" She inquired, not wanting to be left in the dark.

He actually looked troubled and he avoided her eyes when he answered, "It is best that I save that for later. After the ball we will talk."

She sighed and relaxed her posture, "Where?"

"In my quarters."

"Nathaniel, I swear if this is a trick-"

"No trick, my queen," He cut her off, "I would not stoop low enough to plant tricks to get you to my quarters alone, now would I?"

She resented in silence knowing that he was telling the truth. What would he possibly want to talk about in private that could be so important then?

"The King will probably wonder where I have gone."

"He will be kept occupied," Nathaniel assured, and stepped closer to her, making her tense up again.

"Until then, your majesty," He whispered as he grasped her hand and kissed her knuckles, publicly visibly for everyone to see.

To her utmost mortification, shivers trailed up from her hand up to her neck and her cheeks heated. Nathaniel made a small bow and left, although she could bet he was wickedly grinning at her reaction.

Elissa looked around her and noticed that no one had seen her interaction with the irksome rogue, and sighed out a relief and absently rubbed her forehead.

The rest of the evening proceeded as it should, she presumed. All the nobles were happy, some getting more intoxicated then needed, and Alistair seemed happy as he walked around and talked to people. Elissa couldn't concentrate, as her mind was filled with questions about what was to come.

* * *

It was nighttime. Nathaniel waited in the room he was given in the palace for her to come. He sat in one of the armchairs looking into the intensity of the fire roaring in the bed of coals.

If she still hated him there was no doubt it would be worse now, and no matter how much Nathaniel wanted to think it would be for the better, he couldn't.

All rational thinking had disappeared, his hate forgotten, vengeance he once wanted gone, all because of what they started that night that led them both here.

A glass was held in his other hand. He pressed it against his lips and swallowed the burning liquid to dull the pain that was to come.

He heard a knock on the door, but he didn't bother turning, as he knew who it was. The door opened, and heard voices speak.

"I will be back shortly. Tell the king we have an urgent matter to discuss that involves Amaranthine," Nathaniel turned his head to see Elissa talking to one of her maids,

"Thank you Lyra," she spoke in a silent tone as Lyra bowed and gave a secretive smile when she walked away.

Elissa closed the door, and slowly turned to face him.

"Make most of your time, I won't stay for long." She said briskly.

She noted the glass in his hand and frowned, she haven't seen him drink alcohol unless it was a festivity. There was something in the air, the atmosphere felt different and from the way Nathaniel stood up from his chair with his shoulders slumped made her wonder how serious this could be. She could tell he tried to hide the grave expression on his face, but his eyes gave it up.

She cleared her throat and asked what it was he wanted to talk about.

Nathaniel eyes caught hers like a fox, and she felt her cheeks burning, and her shoulders tensed immediately. His hand went to the back of his neck, rubbing slightly as if to ease off the discomfort he felt, "You better sit down."

Elissa quirked her eyebrow at his request, thinking this had to be one of his games. She was about to retort but found herself unable to, as she studied his face. The mask he upheld was falling apart and she saw a worried man. She found herself sitting as he bade her to do.

Once she was seated, Nathaniel took a deep breath and turned so he faced the fireplace, causing Elissa to feel even more uncomfortable then before. Something was definitely amiss.

"I don't think there is a more pleasant way to say this. I wish there was..." There was a moment of silence, only the sound of cracking fire to fill the heavy silence. Elissa tried to calm her alarmed nerves, wishing whatever this was to be over.

"Please, Nathaniel I do not have time to-" She started but was cut off by Nathaniel raspy voice.

"Elissa, you must tell the king of our infidelity."

It felt like the world came to a halt. Her heart was beating at such rapid speed she was sure it would burst out of her chest any second.

Nathaniel had gone from his place at the fire and walked over to her and crouched next to her seat. Elissa felt paralyzed out of shock to notice his presence as such close distance but it quickly turned into rage. She whipped her head quickly to his side and looked at him as if he was hallucinating but the air got sucked out of her when she realized he was being serious. She clenched her hands on the sides of the chair,

"How dare you ask that of me? Have you completely lost your mind?" she asked, her voice barely a whisper.

Nathaniel stared at her, his mouth quivering into a smile, but it did not contain any happiness or malice, it was...pained.

"I wish that would be the case."

"Why would you ask that of me? Why now? It will break Alistair's heart if I tell him. Our marriage is still fragile and if I tell him it will destroy everything! I can't do that to him..."

"You don't think as your husband he has the right to know?"

Her eyes were raging when he said this and she stood up quickly making her counterpart stand as well.

"What we did was a mistake, something I regret beyond limits. I love him, and because you hold a petty grudge against me _still _after all this time does not give you the right to tell me what to do!"

"That is not the case! Listen to-"

"No, just because you finally grew a conscience does not mean I will destroy everything I have to satisfy you!"

Nathaniel tried to grab her hand to stop her raging rant, but she snatched it away like she was burned by fire.

"Will you listen to-"

"NO!" she screamed at him, "You must stop harassing me! You have no right! You HAVE NO RIGHT!" He was taken aback by her sudden outburst.

"You have no right," she repeated in a shaky whisper, breathing heavily after her screams.

She backed away from him with staggering steps.

He got to her quickly, grabbed her wrists and pulled her towards him, his arms holding her like she would flee any moment. Her entire posture stiffened but he ignored it, "listen to me. This isn't about what I want! This isn't about us," He said.

"Then what is it about?" she asked bitterly.

"About you and the king."

She was flustered for a moment, unable to answer him. He let go of her wrists, and went to the side, and looked at her intensely.

"How did you survive the Archdemon?"

"What?" she paled at the mention of the question, a subtle tremor passed through her that didn't go unnoticed by Nate. She was not prepared for this question.

"The taint, the taint doesn't only give us powers and shorten our lifespan, Elissa, does it?"

He waited for her to say anything, but she was very still, every word he uttered caused her to pale even more.

"It has a far more dangerous job," he continued, "It's the taint within that truly enables a warden to kill the Archdeamon, and he who delivers the killing blow dies. So, tell me, how did you survive?"

"I..." Elissa muttered, her voice shaken, "I do not know..."

Nathaniel stared at her for a moment; he could barely hear her voice as she muttered her denial.

"Then let me tell you," He began again, his voice heated with passion, "A witch you gathered from the wilds, who promised her aid, approached you on the eve of battle, and offered you a way out. Let his majesty father a babe who'd be born with the taint. The taint in the child would absorb the soul of the Old God, but because the babe is yet too young and too innocent, it wouldn't destroy him."

Elissa stared at him in horror as he continued.

"You accepted the offer, trying to protect King Alistair, and the mother of the babe disappeared not too long after, with the babe growing in her belly."

"How..." Elissa tried to ask, but her voice failed her.

Nathaniel's eyes were full of an emotion she did not understand, "Chancellor Eamon, he told me everything."

"What?" her voice meek, her mind racing with what Nathaniel just declared. Alistair told Eamon their darkest secrets? The sudden flare of anger and shame ignited inside of her, as the memories of that awful night raced back to her, "What does this have to do with anything?" she hissed.

Nathaniel only shook his head in sympathy.

"So it is true..."

A part of him had hoped dearly that the whole story was but a fib spun by Eamon, he wanted it to be a fib, so he could claw Eamon's heart out for calling her a harlot, and call him a traitor before the king, but it all faded into thin air as he saw the defeated look in her eyes.

"I was scared..." she began, her voice cracking a bit, "I couldn't bear the thought of losing him...and I did not want to die," she admitted, her eyes cast downwards in shame.

"I understand..."

Elissa looked up at him suddenly, her eyes burning red with rage, "No you don't!" she snarled, "You don't know what it means to be told on the eve of the single most important battle that you must die..."

"I thought Riordan offered-"

"Riordan was dying; the taint wouldn't have spared him much longer! He'd been traveling for days, then was captured and tortured by Howe's men."

She could see Nathaniel's face harden at the mention of his father, but she couldn't bring herself to stop.

"He said one of us would have to take the killing blow, but there wasn't really much of an option! Should Riordan fail, the deed would have been mine to do. Alistair was the king; he couldn't die so it had to be me!"

Nathaniel tried to say something, but his words failed him. He opened his mouth a few times, trying to say that he understood, but truly, he couldn't. He couldn't even understand how a woman who had lost _everything_ was able to achieve what she had achieved.

"I couldn't lose him, Nathaniel, I loved him," she finally admitted, "And I didn't want to die."

Had he not seen her lips move, he wouldn't have been sure that she said those final words. Maker give him strength, _how could he tell her what he came to tell?_

"This witch, do you know her whereabouts?"

Elissa shook her head, "No," she replied, "As promised, she disappeared with the child right after the battle."

She massaged her cheeks before asking, "I don't understand. What does this have to do with anything?"

"Ferelden is in danger, a very grave one."

She frowned, waiting for him to continue.

"Tevinter has somehow acquired knowledge about this child, and they want to have it," he turned to face her, his look grave, "They want the essence of the Old God."

"What does this have to do with Ferelden? Morrigan surely has fled a long time ago..."

"They don't think it was Morrigan who bore the child...they think it was you."


End file.
